15 Predictions For The Next Season Of GIRLS


1. Hannah goes to Iowa Writers’ Workshop and gains the freshman (graduate student) 25.

2. Turns out Adam has a thing for overweight girls — they’re back together, doing long distance.

3. Marnie learns how to masturbate — for her first time, she needs to do it alongside a Youtube tutorial — and stops home-wrecking her best friends’ love lives.

4. Shoshanna falls into a deep depression after finding out about Marnie and Ray.

5. Marnie finds solace in PR and vows to never forgive herself for not discovering her love for PR sooner.

6. Shosh starts screwing the homeless man who lives on her block and becomes addicted to bath salts.

7. Jessa figures Shosh just really likes The Body Shop, and so it takes her an exceedingly long time to finally recognize that Shosh might have a problem — and a drug one at that. How was I supposed to know? she whines to Hannah, Her demeanor¬†hardly even changes when she’s on bath salts!

8. Jessa makes a new friend, Branch, who she meets during the HPV Pogo Walk, a newly-founded event that’s sort of like the annual AIDS Walk except, instead of walking, they jump on Pogo Sticks and, instead of AIDS, the money goes to HPV research.

9. Branch convinces Jessa to go on a trip with her to Malaysia where they encounter some bad luck and end up in child slavery.

10. With Jessa now out of the house, Shosh has more time to herself. One bath-salt-fueled night she writes a poem in epic form — 75 stanzas in total — submits the poem, and becomes a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize in Poetry.

11. For the first time ever, Hannah is jealous of Shoshanna.

12. Meanwhile, Adam continues to lose his grip on reality. Ever since Hannah went off to Iowa and his Broadway show came to a close, he began to fall deeper and deeper into his feedism fetish. Recently, he’s been forcing Hannah to feed him full cakes as she sucks his dick.

13. With Adam’s weird fetish and Shoshanna’s success, Hannah becomes very insecure — like nothing we’ve ever seen before. She learns about this new exercise class in Manhattan called “Model Fit” and comes home every weekend just to take this class as many times as possible. She begins to starve herself and develops a habit of eating only Q-tips. Model Fit eats away at her wallet, and, eventually, with no money left for school, she’s forced to drop out and come home.

14. By mid-season — once Hannah is fully dropped out and back home — Adam looks atrocious. He spends his days teaching a free Interpretive Theater “class” in Washington Square Park of which only the homeless attend.

15. One day, while Adam is teaching his “class,” he sees his sister Caroline and Hannah’s neighbor Laird pass by in a horse-drawn carriage, laughing haughtily and taking pretentious puffs from their quellazaires. You see, the two discovered a particular strand of bacteria (in their sink, no less) that doubles as an intense and unparalleled aphrodisiac. With such high demand, the drug was finally sold in a $3 billion deal, and Caroline and Laird now live comfortably and ostentatiously in a penthouse on 79th street and Park Avenue.

…but, idk. These are just theories…