15 Signs You Are A Closeted Coffee Snob

1. You like all coffee equally.

Except for light roasts. And iced coffee. And don’t even talk to you about Frappuccinos (Is there even coffee in this sugary disaster?).

2. You are fluent in the language of coffee but forgiving of others’ mistakes.

A Caffé Latte is not a Cappuccino is not a Café Breve. Though it depends which coffee shop you are at. You’re generally patient with other people not knowing their coffee terms…

3. Except for when someone says “Expresso,” which always makes you cringe.

Can we all just sit down and have a reasonable, adult conversation about how there is NO X IN ESPRESSO?

4. You play favourites when it comes to baristas.

And it has nothing to do with who has a charming personality. It’s all about the foam-to-milk ratio. On days when your favourite Barista isn’t working, you go to your back-up shop. You don’t want to be picky but you just can’t stomach a poorly constructed drink.

5. You have multiple coffee-making devices at home, none of which resemble a traditional drip machine.

Your kitchen counter more closely resembles a laboratory than a coffee nook. But that’s fine by you – you have everything it takes to make the perfect cup.

6. You want to know intimate facts about the beans that your local coffee shop uses.

Is it Arabica or Robusta? Where was it grown? At what altitude? It’s not that you’re a snob or anything… you just like to know what you’re drinking.

7. You can immediately identify a coffee that has been made incorrectly.

Excuse me but this iced coffee was not cold brewed and I find that offensive on a spiritual level.

8. And you sometimes have to refrain from making suggestions.

Could this coffee be any weaker? Maybe the customer should just add their own water to their Americano according to preference. Man, if you were managing this place…

9. You own a cupping spoon … or eight.

Cupping events are your happy places okay? It’s like the speed dating of caffeine!

10. Instant coffee makes you want to cry.

Those impostor coffee turds are blasphemy of the highest order.

11. You will walk and/or drive miles out of your way in order to start your day off with the correct brew.

Yes, you’re aware that there’s a Starbucks right down the street from your office. No, you don’t feel silly walking five blocks out of the way to get an actual cup of coffee. This is a matter of life and… an inferior experience of life.

12. You judge others by which coffee machines they have at home.

You think your Tassimo machine is the cutting edge of coffee? Oh, honey. I don’t think you and I are going to work.

13. Coffee is both your most and least favourite part of traveling.

You dream of travelling to Ethiopia solely to see your favourite coffees being grown firsthand. But occasionally you’ll arrive somewhere with a simply deplorable coffee culture. Australia, WHY DON’T YOU HAVE DRIP COFFEE? What kind of backwards world have you arrived in and where can you catch the next plane out?

14. So you’ve started traveling with your own equipment.

A miniature French press doesn’t take up THAT much room in your luggage. Better safe than sorry, after all…

15. You view pre-ground coffee as the frozen pizza of caffeine.

Why on earth would you buy pre-ground coffee when you could be relishing in the pure, sweet aroma of a freshly ground cup?

It’s not that you’re picky about your coffee or anything. It’s just that when you love something you want only the best of it. And oh man, do you ever love coffee.