15 Signs You’re Single As F*ck


1. You’ve started to really appreciate the story lines in porn. It’s incredibly sad but the only romance you can find these days are in those artsy ‘next gen’ type of sex vids.

2. You’ve started to wonder if you’re becoming a little too comfortable with being single. You decided awhile ago you were actually okay with being single but your lifestyle is starting to resemble that of your most bachelor friends. You’ve caught yourself drinking milk out of the carton, wearing the same sweats for days if you can get away with it, and basically just not giving a fuck.

3. Your strongest relationship is clearly with your Netflix account, your barista, your pizza delivery guy – actually, let’s face – ALL of these things combined are your life line. Without them would anyone else even know your preferences and favorites? lol no.

4. You’ve thought about certain exes and actually started rationalizing why the relationship wasn’t that bad. Maybe he’s changed…maybe he doesn’t do that really annoying thing he used to always do. You contemplate texting him but then you stop yourself. You might be single as fuck but you still have standards.

5. You honestly aren’t even sure why you’re on birth control or why you keep a stash of condoms anymore. Not like they’re going to good use these days.

6. You consider making sexy purchases but then just think ‘why?’ You think about buying a sexy outfit or lingerie when you’re out shopping but then you see the price and you think about the fact you don’t even have anyone to see you in this very sexy thing so you keep walking

7. You’re the default single person in your friend group. You’re always the one your friends get a hold of if their SO is out of town and they need a plus-one for an event. You’ve learned to become comfortable with being the 3rd or 5th wheel.

8. You’ve listened to that John Legend song “All Of Me” song and legit cried because you don’t even know if you’ll ever experience that kind of love again (or ever). You probably even have a playlist of weird indie songs you listen to just to get a good crying going once in awhile. It’s cool, you’re not depressed, but sometimes you just gotta LET IT ALL OUT.

9. You’ve successfully mastered the art of taking yourself on a solo date. An afternoon at the movies, followed by a trip to the bookstore, and a stop at your favorite restaurant are just little ways you treat yourself. You hope someday soon you can have these kinds of experiences with someone else but, well, you’re not holding your breath.

10.  The spiciest thing in your life is your Chipotle burrito. Your best friend complains about her sex life with her boyfriend, meanwhile you forgot sex even needed or could be spiced up.

11. Sometimes you wonder if you’re some sort of failure because you aren’t in a relationship. You have great friends, a good job, and you’re pretty happy with life overall. So why can’t you seem to find the right person to be in a relationship?

12. Your friends have tried to set you up once or twice with someone they thought would be “just perfect for you.” But as it turns out that perfect person is someone else’s idea of perfect. They might be nice, funny, smart, whatever but you just don’t find that connection or chemistry with them.

13. You find yourself justifying your single status to your friends and family on a regular basis.  You’re focusing on your career, you don’t have time for a relationship, you can’t find anyone really worthy of dating. All or most of these things are at least somewhat true but you’re getting realllllly tired of repeating the same excuses.

14. When someone actually does show interest you don’t even recognize the signs they’re flirting with you. Your heart has been so cold for so long. What is flirting? What is this thing dating? It’s going to take you awhile to get back in the game, you admit.

15. And when it seems like there COULD be a possibility for romance you get way too eager about it. When you find someone you actually like that likes you too you get SO excited. Is this for real? Is this real life? It’s probably overwhelming for the other person but you can’t help it, you just like them so much. You want to do ALL of the things with them.