15 Things I Hate About Facebook


  1. People asking for surveys. Listen, you idiot. I hardly know you, in fact I often find myself wondering how we even became Facebook friends. All I know is that I have absolutely no desire to fill out a survey. And the fact that you’re begging me to do it with all these exclamation marks and visual cankersores only makes me want to do your survey less. I hope nobody takes your survey, you selfish fuck. I hope your survey dies and you fail.
  2. How I check my old love’s Facebook page every ten minutes. When there’s absolutely nothing to do and you just get in that mental and physical slump what else is there to do but to marvel over your sadness and look at what you used to have but will never have again? It’s all your fault, you idiot. On second thought it isn’t. To tell you the truth, I think Facebook makes it virtually impossible to get over somebody. I mean, when their bikini photos are popping over your newsfeed like acne on a teenager what the hell else are you going to do but look? De-friend? That only makes it worse. Whatever.
  3. Profile Picture Inner-Conflicts. No. My nose looks too big. Yes, my hair looks good there. No, my belly shows too much. Ah, I look great there. No, I’m with Sarah. Damn, I hate Sarah. Should I crop her? No, cropping means you’re trying too hard. You should never try too hard. It’s unattractive. Pretty much if you crop you try too hard and if you try too hard you’re unattractive and if you’re unattractive you’ll never amount to anything anywhere. But hey, I do look good there. No, too bleh. Okay, I’ll just leave it with the one I have.
  4. People who say ‘Maybe Attending’ to events—Who the fuck do you think you are? Huh? You’re either doing something or you’re not, don’t try to come off as busy, you unemployed uneducated worthless shithead. How about maybe I come beat your ass in one hour?
  5. The hours of the Rejects—I often find myself coming home at two or three on a Saturday night and seeing whose on, trying to find other people who didn’t get any ass that night. Ah, so I’m not the only loser in the world…

But then I see who else is on, and shit: have I stooped so low to this level of social status?

  1. People who Check in—do I even need to do this? What the fuck is the incentive for this? What sort of flawed thinking has led you to believe that I am interested in your whereabouts, in this exact moment?
  2. People who send basic messages. See you in five, see you later, call me. Can’t you do it over the phone, you asshole?
  3. Timeline— Listen, Facebook, I’m trying to check out a girl. Do you think I give a fuck about her birthday, or her meals, or stuff she did in 2008? Do I care about her baby pictures?
  4. People who IM too much—You know how it is. Hey, hi, what’s up? What do you think is up? I’m on a computer, (I’m sexually frustrated and I hate my job. Isn’t that implied?) Well, I shouldn’t talk too much shit on this group because I am probably in it.
  5. People with friends over 1500. Okay, you’re hot, we all want to bang you, you have a lot of friends, I’m sure a lot of those friends are creepy dudes who you don’t even remember. We’re jealous that you have that many friends.
  6. Couples who incessantly place couple photos: Alright, we get it, you’re lucky to have each other, you’re not single like the rest of us who need to drink our loneliness away each weekend. You’re happier and healthier, good for you. But listen, you realize, that by being in a couple, we all hate you? And that by putting these pictures you only intensify that hatred? By the way, you both gained weight and look ugly. Have fun going to bed at 10, living up your youth. Good luck having me try to be your friend when you break up, and if you don’t break up, well, please just ignore this whole thing and please please please invite me to your wedding.
  7. Graduation pics: Listen, nobody gives a shit. Graduation is not an accomplishment, it’s something every non-poor person does as long as they don’t flunk out or hit a hippie period where they move to Africa. Girls, if you want to put pictures that can attract a homeboy, which we all know is the only reason cell phones/ Facebook/ twitter exist, (and if you disagree read some Freud) you’re going to have to do better than that. Nobody besides your grandparents wants to see you wearing Harry Potter wardrobes smiling with your influx of extended family.
  8. People with private pictures: I got news for you, big boy. The mission of the rest of the world is not, to your dismay, to find pictures of you drinking. In fact, none of us care. Nobody wants to hire you, so relax, show your inappropriate pictures, and be free.
  9. People who post job acceptances/school acceptances: Good for you, honestly. Tell your close friends and your family, your 1200 people don’t need to know. I know, at a certain point as I run down this never-ending list I start to wonder: alright, so what do I actually like about Facebook? It sounds like everything just pisses me off about it. I guess it’s true, and that’s why I lead into…
  10. Facebook itself: There are so many other productive things to do with our time. At least I think there are.