15 Things I’ll (Probably) Tell My Future Children



1. No, this music is not garbage. Sugar Ray was a legend.

2. Back in my day, if we wanted to get in touch with someone, we couldn’t just spy on them using Omnisci-Friend!

3. Quinoa got pretty popular sometime around 2010. I’m not really sure what it was doing before then, but no one seems to care. I find this troubling.

4. Marriage-Calc is definitely cool, but I don’t think I’d like an app that tells me the year, date, and time that we’d be projected to fall out of love. OK Cupid was much more romantic.

5. You can’t be both. Nobody is a Mets AND a Yankees fan.

6. Back in my day, we actually had to use an app to count how many steps you took. It was brutal.

7. Don’t do drugs.

8. Before the fusion of brain and mobile device, some people legitimately went hours without being connected to the cloud!

9. It’s important to get exercise every day. Make it part of your routine. Wake up, put on your robot suit, knock out 3 miles.

10. When I was your age, the government was run by Politicians. Politicians were sort of like the Faceless Gang, but since they were humans, they were also subject to human weaknesses and vulnerabilities. This new system is way better.

11. Eat your terabytes.

12. Put your dishes in the sink. Seriously, you don’t want to go to college and be that roommate who never cleans up after himself.

13. If someone lashes out at you for no apparent reason, don’t impulsively strike back. They could’ve just lost their job, or be going through some sort of personal tragedy. Remember that you don’t necessarily know everyone’s story.*

*Unless you access TheirStory™, and the action vs. justification index aligns in your favor. Then, you could presumably strike back with whatever you want.

14. LeBron James really was that exciting to watch.

15. I don’t care if Cynthia’s parents let her access her VirtualAvatar during the week. We are not Cynthia’s parents.