15 Things You Learn When You’re Quarantined At Home With Your SO

You know what they say: Don’t marry someone until you’ve been quarantined with them. 

1. How well they perform on work conference calls. Are they the frantic babbler or the silent listener?

2. How much they sweat during meetings.

3. Where their mind actually is when Steve from Strategy goes over client feedback. A Zoom meeting open in one tab and a hedgehog video in the other. Or wait, is that a porcupine?

4. How many days they can go without showering now that they know that they don’t need to leave the house.

5. Or how long they shower for when they’re not worried about missing the bus.

6. The quality of memes they send on Slack. Really hope it’s not another Corona beer one.

7. All the stores they shopped from but never told you about. Are the multiple “our commitment to you during the COVID-19 outbreak” emails from a shop that sells customizable slime or from a parlor that specializes in nipple piercings?

8. The amount they snack during the day.

9. What they snack on. Is it pickle slices from a jar or cereal dipped in yogurt?

10. How much they’re contributing to the diminishing pile of toilet paper in the house.

11. What their favorite pair of pajamas are. Hope they aren’t sending out professional emails in the Spongebob jammies they’ve had since college.

12. How many cups of coffee they actually drink throughout the day. You’ve always known it’s been more than “just two.”

13. What they prioritize during an emergency. Do they panic buy torch lights or pretzels?

14. The people they actually like. There are those who get scheduled video chats and then there are those who get the, “Sorry, I’m social distancing myself right now.”

15. How well they cope with anxiety. Theirs and yours.