15 Things You Should Do Before You Turn 30


  1. Blame everything on bad luck, poor timing, and a rotten economy. It’s currently your generation which means you have complete license to talk about how screwed you are and how nothing is ever your fault! Act fast now because by the time you turn 30, the tides will have shifted and you’ll no longer have the luxury to blame all your problems on being in a post grad funk or lack of job opportunities. You’ve had eight years, dammit!
  2. Date someone who most likely hates you. Dating someone who might actually hate you is super chic when you’re just starting to figure things/ yourself out. (Just make sure they have a big dick and occasionally buy you dinner.)
  3. Cry in Whole Foods. Because life is hard! Life is a $7.00 organic grass-fed glass of Kombucha.
  4. Read The Secret. And believe it because you are very fragile right now.
  5. See a shrink and put it on your credit card. And tell your therapist things like this: “This one time my mom wouldn’t drive me to Target to buy the new Strokes CD and I think that’s why I have intimacy issues, to be honest. I’ve never told her but I think we both know.”
  6. Bump your elbow and take three Vicodin in the middle of the afternoon. Because it just hurts so bad honey….
  7. Scream at someone In Da Club! Point fingers, throw drinks and scream “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!” to a stranger who has done nothing wrong.
  8. Go to places that have a long line, intimidating bouncers, and a list you most definitely aren’t on. Being in your 20s means going to a douchey hip club at least once and doing coke with that chick from The Ring. Trust me.
  9. Go to Europe. And tell everyone for the next eight years about how it changed your life and how you’re definitely going to move there someday.
  10. Do something sexually that totally shocks you. So you can have a story to tell at brunch for the next 5 years.
  11. Deal with an asshole boss. Who is approximately four months younger than you.
  12. Tell people that you’re in a really good place.
  13. Tell people that you’re in a really bad place.
  14. Tell people that you’re confused as to what place you’re in.
  15. Try to die before you turn 30. Fail miserably.

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