15 Ways To Be The Worst Fiancé Ever


1. You suck at making decisions that involve other people. This has been multiplied by about a thousand fold since you realized that engagement=wedding and that you are now expected to make decisions that involve lots of other people. And so begins your yearlong procrastination quest. May the Force be with you.

2. Due to your inability to come to concrete decisions on something that is supposed to be some sort of weird girly joy to plan (right?), he basically becomes the unofficial wedding planner. Rather than taking this with grateful, appreciative grace, you mock him imperiously when you’re both out for drinks with your mutual friends. Because that’s what love is, obviously.

3. You’re a mess. There is a venerable mountain of clothes on your side of the bed. The two of you have taken to fondly (okay, not really) calling it Mount Clothsuvious and you really don’t know what is clean or dirty anymore. Not that you’ll ever admit that to him. After all, it’s an organized mess. It’s got maaaaybe another two days before he smothers you in your sleep using a (hopefully) clean sweater. He’ll probably burry you under the pile after you’ve finally stopped struggling, and breathing, then broken heartedly explain to the police how there was a clothes mountain sock slide and you just couldn’t get out of the way in time. Tragic.

4. You suck at sharing. Maybe it’s because you grew up with two greedy, vicious younger sisters and then had a series of stealing, back stabbing roommates, or maybe you’re just a bad person. Your unofficial motto: What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. You wish this was a lie… and insist that it sounds cuter in person. Maybe?  Either way, there is no fucking way you’re sharing half of your sandwich from Subway with him… even if his does look super delicious. It’s the point of the matter.

5. You hate being told what to do. Especially if you were just about it do it. It seriously makes you internally go, ‘Well fuck you, I was about to do it, but now you’re probably thinking I’m just doing it because you told me to and I refuse to be a part of that!’ This translates to you behaving like a toddler several times a week. Or maybe a day; it becomes a childish, self-righteous blur.

6. You have laid claim to the closet, the sink space, the cabinets and pretty much the entire bedroom. He has the small little side closet where all of his poor shirts are smashed and creasing together and his pants drawer is always half-open because he can’t close it. But you can’t get rid of even one Star War’s shirt or scarf you pretty much never wear. Sorry. And one sink drawer is plenty; you have to have your makeup utensils properly segregated for optimal lazy makeup application. Duh. Plus he leaves the seat up and you never bitch about that. Having a militarized zone of bobby pins, open makeup containers, left on hair tools and used cotton balls is totally comparable.

7. You always take too long to get ready and wait till the last moment to even start getting ready for dates (or pretty much anything). But come on, it’s a Saturday, is it your fault they want to take you to a nice restaurant that requires you to shower, or at least wash the Cheetoh stains off your hands and face?  It’s been like, two years. Can’t you just go out in basketball shorts and your high school gym shirt that has holes under the arm pits yet?

8. The Xbox One his best man bought him as an early wedding present is clearly meant for the both of you and since it’s his turn to make dinner… you should totally be allowed to play Assassin’s Creed Black Flag until midnight and totally ‘forget’ to do the dishes. Entirely reasonable.

9. You steal his shirts (and boxers) for quick pajama options on weekends when he is gone for work because, come on, your closet is all the way on the other side of the room. And then when he asks you what happened to said shirt a few days later because he really wants to wear it on his night out with the boys, you blink in owlish, innocent confusion.

10. You half-heartedly promise blow jobs. You can see that beautiful, hopeful sparkle in his eyes and you know, deep down, that you probably intend to drink way too much that night and fall asleep without even offering a peace making hand job. You know he’ll keep the dream alive, though, and there’s always his birthday…

11. You’re used to staying up late. You’ve always been a night owl. The darkness is your mistress! Or whatever.  He wants to go to bed together and fall asleep in a beautiful tangle of limbs while you whisper sweet nothings to one another. This usually translates to him clutching at one of your arms while you balance a book with the other and read by the harsh light of your iPhone at eight thirty because he has to get up early. Also, you hate mornings and you hate that your expected to interact with someone because, lack of coffee.

12. You barely remember to put deodorant on and brush your teeth let alone to put the trash can out on the curb on Monday mornings. I mean, come on! It’s Monday.

13. They often give you really good advice because, Valar bless them, they love you… which, of course, you rarely follow. See #5.

14. You always use his towel after a shower. I mean, come on, they look exactly the fucking same!

15. You write an article about how much you kind of suck at life and sort of just shrug your shoulders and decide to pick up his favorite take out as a silent apology because he has to put up with all your bullshit.