15 Ways Weed Can Make Christmas Better


Note: This is a joint post concocted by Phoenix Askani and Rob Fee. Points 1-7 were written by Fee, and 8-15 by Askani.

1. Watch a Christmas parade. A lot of people get freaked out if a TV show has the least bit of conflict when they’re high. If the guys on Pawn Stars yell at each other too loudly, it’s horrific. A parade is full of bright colors, happy people, and inflatable cartoon characters. Do I really need to explain why this is perfect?

2. Get chasing Christmas lights. Don’t even turn on your TV. You can seriously watch those Christmas lights for hours and not be bored in the least.

3. Here’s the link for optical illusion videos on YouTube. You’re about to have your mind completely melted in the best way possible.

4. If you don’t have kids you may not be aware of it, but Yo Gabba Gabba is the greatest show you’ve ever seen when high. In a five minute span here’s what I saw:

-A kid riding on a banana like a skateboard

-Bizmarkie doing some freestyle beats, for some reason

-A flying piece of toast

-Animated robotic gears changing colors and counting out loud while random eyeballs pop up through the cogs

There’s also several Christmas episodes so it won’t look weird at all when you’re watching it.

5. Instead of playing a drinking game and having a horrible hangover the next day, along with throwing up Christmas dinner, replace the shots with a hit. Here’s a Home Alone drinking game that will, not only get you incredibly high, but will also keep you in the Christmas spirit!

6. If you’re alone for Christmas and you’d like to create the feel of a warm, holiday night by the fire, but you’d still like to forget the night, there’s a solution. Light a wood burning fire in your fireplace, and then dump a little weed into it. You’ll get a crackling Yule log while getting the whole house high. Just like your forefathers.

7. You can actually make your mom’s day by getting high before Christmas dinner. If her cooking skills have declined over the past few years, don’t be rude. Instead, smoke a little before dinner and it just turned into an absolutely delicious meal. If you’re wondering how you’re going to be able to smoke without anyone noticing, just go to the bathroom, turn on the vent, stand on the toilet, and blow the smoke directly into the vent. That way the smoke won’t linger and it can go up into space and turn into shooting stars.

8. Set up the traditional milk and cookies for Santa, with a packed bong beside it. You’ll want to make sure you are hooking Saint Nick up with some sativa rather than indica, so he doesn’t pass out on the job.

9. Offer to bring homemade baked goods for your holiday family or work gathering. Put weed oil in the recipe. Tell no one. See what happens. Document it. I am not responsible for the results. If Aunt Betty ends up rolling around on the floor talking about cat litter and creme brûlée, that’s your issue.

10. Gift weed paraphernalia to your favorite stoner.  Last year for Christmas, my 21 year old brother got me a fancy one-hitter, a small glass hand painted jar to keep weed in, and a lighter. One of the many reasons he’s cooler than my older brother.  Make sure to wrap glass in bubble wrap. Don’t worry about the gift receipt, they won’t be needing it.

11. Convince your mom/roommate/husband/wife that joints make excellent ornaments when hung from a small stand of ribbon. Smoke trees as you decorate the tree. Smoke trees as you gather around the tree. Hang 12 joints for the 12 days of Christmas. If there’s an angel at the top of the tree, put weed in her hand.

12. Watch the Happy Festivus episode of Seinfeld (it’s actually called “The Strike”). On repeat. Need I say any more?

13. Rewrite all of your favorite Christmas classics to be about marijuana.

Rudolph the red-eyed reindeer, had a very fat long blunt, and if you ever smoked it, you would be a high ass…

I’m dreaming of a green Christmas.

Little budtender boy.

I saw mommy smoking out Santa Claus.

Jingle bowls, Jingle bowls, Jingle all the way…

Okay, I’m done.

14. Got snow? Build a snowman. Get a corn cob pipe and pack it with weed, taking hits as you work on the details. It’ll be cashed by the time you’re ready to give it back to Frosty. Now you’re high AND the snowman is badass.

15. Hang the mistletoe over where you keep the bong (you could even opt to make mistletoe out of weed if you were really ambitious and crafty) and instead of kissing the person that you “meet under the mistletoe”, take a bong rip and then kiss them, passing the smoke into their mouth. Now THAT is a shotgun Christmas.