16 Lies I’ve Told About Africa


Generally, I consider myself to be a fairly honest person. Alas, I am a sinner and there are exceptions. I mean did I lie to the biker who almost barged into me a few days ago while running on the lakefront that “I was okay” when I wasn’t? Sure. Do I lie to my hair lady whenever she asks if I’m in pain? Certainly. Have I given a guy a fake number before? Yes, and I’m not proud of it. But probably the worst (see: best) lies I’ve ever told people was about Africa….usually to troll the crap out of ignorant people who buy into the Western imagination of Africa. So here are a select few of my personal favourites!

1. “No, there are no airports in Africa. We all have to drive to the tip of Morocco and then we take a ferry to Spain, and then we fly to the rest of the world from there. Of course if you can’t afford the ferry, you have to swim.”

2. “I went to school under a baobab tree for most of my life until an American missionary adopted me and brought me here.”

3. (After being complimented for my English.) “Oh they seat all in-coming Africans in a particular section of the plane and we all get a crash course.”

4. “Of course I know your friend from Tanzania, we actually met at the central African bridge in Congo. It’s a connecting bridge that almost all Africans have to cross.”

5. “How did I get here? Sailed from the Cape of Good Hope. Long-ass journey but you see so much. Plus you can practice your English before you get here which is great.”

6. “Oh we definitely don’t wear clothes at home unless we see foreigners. It’s pretty great actually. Don’t know why nudity is such a big deal here.”

7. “Sorry, I don’t date. I was promised to a traditional warrior at birth so as soon as I complete my university degree, I have to go back and marry him.”

8. “If you give me a strand of your hair, I can pray to my ancestors for you, and you’ll get a great blessing.”

9. “Of course we’re good at running. From a young age, our parents have us compete with the village cheetahs.”

10. “I honestly only saw one car growing up and it belonged to a British family assigned to our area by the Queen. All former colonial states have a British family assigned to an area of each city. It was one of the agreements of independence.”

11. “Yeah, my neighbors had a pet elephant so we did a lot of riding in my childhood. If you can ride a horse, you can ride an elephant for sure.”

12. “Oh, every African woman is promised a diamond of her choice when she hits puberty and becomes a woman. I don’t understand why they’re so expensive here.”

13. “Have you seen the movie, The Gods Must Be Crazy? My uncle was in it!”

14. “Wow! A television…I can’t believe I’m seeing one in real life. I’ve only heard of it before. How do I change the pictures?”

15. “Well, every African child is forced to learn the call of each wild animal so I know every single one by heart. Like I can name any animal just by the sound it makes.”

16. “Oh but Mean Girls wasn’t lying though…everyone in Africa does read Swedish.”

For more humorous writing from Kovie Biakolo, follow her Facebook Page:

[protected-iframe id=”7e8f2c689e8a6ce8b23f56db5078c98e-7369149-37694659″ info=”//www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fkoviebiakoloofficial&width=620&height=290&colorscheme=light&show_faces=true&header=true&stream=false&show_border=true” frameborder=”0″ style=”border:none; overflow:hidden; width:620px; height:290px;” scrolling=”no”]