16 Steps To Having The Perfect First Date (And Probably Getting Laid)


Have a case of those pre-first date jitters? That’s perfectly natural. It’s exciting! It’s terrifying! This could be your last first date. But in all likelihood, it’s not. But you could hook up, and that’s what real love is all about. Going out with someone because they might let you get naked with them. So here are some fool-proof steps to make sure that happens.

1. Do your research before the date. Find out if the person you’re going out with has any allergies, dietary restrictions, etc. Do they drink alcohol? Do bowling alleys bring back repressed memories of their 8th birthday party? Gather all the necessary information to pick the perfect first date spot!

2. Dress accordingly! Some signs claim no shoes, no shirt, no service. But not when it comes to dating! Being barefoot sends the message that you’re chill, down-to-earth, and possibly Woody Harrelson. And who can resist that?

3. Always avoid direct eye contact. That could accidentally lead to a genuine connection, BLECH! Pick a better point of interest, like the crotch or chest region.

4. Ask to see pictures of their family members. Then tell them the order in which you’d bang them.

5. Worried about awkward silences? Just sing the entire Nickelback discography in falsetto.

6. Talk about your last relationship in great detail. Graphic detail. Give them an entire play-by-play of your sexual escapades.

7. Smile. While still smiling, start hysterically sobbing. Keeps things exciting!

8. Blow your nose with the cloth napkin. Or even better, your date’s shirt.

9. Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Come back out 40 minutes later with zero explanation.

10. About halfway through the date, lean in close and whisper, “Can you tell I have an erection?” It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true. Or if you even have a penis.

11. Tell them you have a special surprise. Bring them to the nearest dumpster, hold them close, and say, “I wanted you to feel comfortable. Because, you know, you’re total trash.”

12. Take them to Target and buy them mouthwash. It’s a subtle sign you want to kiss them.

13. Ask if you can kiss them. If they say yes, lick their elbow. It’s an erogenous zone.

14. If they invite you back to their place, remove your shoes. Remove your pants. Remove your contact lenses. Place them all in the fireplace.

15. Light a match and watch your possessions go up in flames.

16. When your date turns and says something like, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” Simply say, “Trusting in us, baby.”