16 Things I Absolutely HAVE To Know Before Dating You



Do you chew with your mouth open

  1. Is there room for improvement?


Do you follow the rules of Simon Says with fervent sincerity or is everything just one big joke to you?


When is it time to shower?

  1. Every day
  2. When my armpits smell
  3. When my eyes turn green
  4. Right before you kick me out of the apartment. Don’t you want to save on the water bill??


Are the dishes meant to be done?

  1. Who are you, Socrates?
  3. So you don’t always do them….?
  4. Still don’t get it. you mean WHEN should YOU do them, right?


Do you love yourself? If so, how much do you love yourself? Rate on a scale from 1-10.


If your answer from number five is greater than 6, how are you so sure of yourself?


Sometimes I wonder if I look fat in those pants. DO YOU?


If we had to jump across a cliff to safely escape zombies, could I use you as a ladder? Or would you run away like an idiot as I carefully construct us a log raft for the next leg of the journey you’re clearly not equipped for? Because I need to know now.


Are sports a thing for you? If so, how long do I have to pretend to care?

  1. Long enough to bring me some wings, baby.
  2. Why wouldn’t you care about something so…SQUIRREL!
  3. Just make me and my buds some sandwiches and…[SMACK]
  4. If you could just nod your head once to let me know that you’re bored, but very much alive.


In terms of the wedding I’ve already planned, will you be too fat to fit into the tux I bought when I first saw you across the aisle at Publix.

And could you make sure you gel your hair for our big day? I remember when I saw that scraggly hair near your left ear for the first time…when I stared at you through your fourth floor apartment window two years before we “met.”


Now, I’ve already rummaged through your psychological/criminal work-up. Will I find out that you’ve murdered people other than that one I already know about? Because we should cap it at that.

Did you care or are you a sociopath? Would you know you didn’t care if you were a sociopath? Would you care that you didn’t know that you didn’t care if you were a sociopath? Huh??


Money’s cool. Do you:

  1. Spend till the end
  2. Save for your friend Dave
  3. Go on a binge to buy me a Benz
  4. Just not care at all because Mommy and Daddy are going to take care of you for the rest of your life like the spoiled, first-born bitch you really are
    (If you chose D, I’m totally into Momma’s Boys so come hither, babes)


Do you sleep with the TV on to drown out your pathetic thoughts or is it a white noise thing? Because if it’s a white noise, we’re going to have a problem.


How do you feel about chocolate?

  1. It’s a chick thing
  2. Why is there even a question mark there?
  3. It’s why I won’t be fitting into the wedding tux you selected for me.
  4. I prefer vanilla
    (If you chose B, the sentence wouldn’t make sense without a question mark, so please re-evaluate your life without structure and grammar. If you chose D, please find the nearest cliff, try to scale it, fall off, and rearrange your chocolate-less brain on the rocky path below. If you feel threatened by this comment, there’s more where that came from, babe!)


If you need to cover your head, how Dad are you going to look?

  1. Fedora (you think you’re stylish, you idiot??)
  2. Helmet of Rogaine foam to cover your stupid cueball. THIS ISN’T POOL. GROW SOME HAIR.
  3. Visor with attached toupee? If we are indoors, do you take your hair off? How stupid will you look? I’ll need to know ahead of time.
  4. Cowboy hat. You know what? No. I’m not even going to let you choose this one.


Are you okay with baths or do you prefer basements? Just as a sorta fun prenup precaution thinga-ma-jig, I need to know if I can easily drown you or if you would prefer a good old-fashioned suffocation if things go south. JUST IN CASE. I PROMISE.