16 Things You Didn’t Know About Sbarro


If you haven’t heard of Sbarros, you are in luck. You are probably one lucky son-of-a-bitch, and I salute your virgin brain for not knowing this establishment. I’ve seen this place one too many times on the streets of New York and I do my best to avoid these B & C-rated “pizzerias” and opt for the wonderful New York delicacy that is dollar pizza, as our very own super-funny bro messiah Lance Pauker wrote about.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfK8S-PrOAY&w=584&h=390]

1. They suck.

It’s why they’re closing 155 locations in North America.

2. They suck.

Ever try their “calzone”? It’s more like a greasefest of soggy, stale bread and some weird-ass cheese.

3. They suck.

Their pizza, claimed to be “New York-style” is more cardboard and floppy grease mat, which is ludicrous and disgusting.

4. They suck.

Their Glassdoor page is bleak as fuck.

5. They suck.

They went and filed Chapter 11 right under your noses. But they came back, like cockroaches.

6. They suck.

People who actually enjoy Sbarro have not had one good meal in their lifetime.

7. They suck.

Their Twitter exudes bleak-dom.

8. They suck.

People on FourSquare do not recommend it.

9. They suck.

Reading reviews from people who think Sbarros is expensive wants to make you stab yourself with their stale crusts.

10. They suck.

They replaced their CEO in 2013, just 13 months after he took over.

11. They suck.

They tested “artisanal” pizzas in Ohio, as if people in Ohio will know the difference.

12. They suck.

Sbarro closing down locations throughout the US means less jobs for people. On the plus side, less stale pizzas are left lying around.

13. They suck.

The Onion News did this thing about Marcus Vick.

14. They suck.

Closing for health violations seem to be a coming-of-age tradition for Sbarros.

15. They suck.

Did I mention they’re closing 155 stores?

16. They suck.

They’re closing 155 stores.