16 Truly Funny Tweets For You To Read Today

nah i'm not scared of ghosts. they're scared of me. lookit this one, opening doors for me and shit. THANKS ghostsy. that one's named ghostsy

— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 3, 2015

https://twitter.com/NicestHippo/status/572793487789178880

https://twitter.com/sad_tree/status/570298145520934912

https://twitter.com/IamEnidColeslaw/status/572797904114470912

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His nostrils were wider, like the mouth of a dying seagull. He had the hairline of a wildebeest.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 3, 2015

[kidnapped by guy who turns his victims into human board games]
Captive: sorry, but why'd you pick me?
Maniac: oh you'll be Sorry alright

— Knipples (@StevieKnip) March 3, 2015

I get thru life similar to the way I get thru singing along to Semi Charmed Life. I just make sounds that seem correct & hope no one notices

— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) March 3, 2015

https://twitter.com/ScottyTonga/status/572810807144280064

*stares at woman's chest*
Are those real?
"Yes"
*I reach out and grab Star Wars figures she was holding*
An unopened Boba Fett. I love you.

— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Astrologist, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) March 3, 2015

"Do what you love." ~Rich people

— Erica (@SCbchbum) August 7, 2014

https://twitter.com/adamhess1/status/569871684867653635

He died doing what he loved: typing in his needlessly elaborate phone password while driving

— ristolable (@ristolable) March 3, 2015

Crying man – "my business is failing"
Me – "that's a terrible idea for a business"

— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) March 2, 2015

https://twitter.com/FrightShark/status/572817133899419648

No you can't make me dance, aw shite ok FINE pic.twitter.com/WaqFEIO5As

— ✨Maria✨ (@MsDBZbabe) March 3, 2015

https://twitter.com/FascinatingVids/status/572059001426448384