16 Ways To Know You’re The “Hot Mess Friend”


We all have one. And if you’re sitting on the couch with a half drunken bottle of Barefoot, unsure as to which one of your friends is the hot mess — wake up, because it’s you.

1. Even though you’re 25, people still ask you to send an “I’m home” text because they are genuinely concerned for your safety. And better yet, you usually get a reminder “Are you still alive?” text before you’ve even had a chance to confirm you’re in bed in your bathrobe with leftover noodles.

2. Your stories often start with “So when I was drunk on Wednesday…”

3. Closing down a bar and helping put the stools up is a regular thing for you. You figure if you’re going to drink until the lights come up you should at least kind of earn your keep.

4. You’ve considered getting Life Alert purely so you can have a person at your beck and call when you get lost trying to find your way back home. Which is more often than you’d care to admit. Do they make Triple A for just people or is that strictly for cars? Could you actually order a delivery pizza at Dominos and then just ride home with the driver? Is that allowed?

5. All of your relationships are “complicated” and “you’re just like, figuring each other out.” You haven’t had something with a simple label since before you could legally buy beer.

6. Your closet can be very easily divided into “Clothes for Work” and “Clothes for Bars.” And the two sides are very obvious. Your closet is the like the fashion version of a mullet. J Crew business casual in the front, ripped Madewell short shorts in the back.

7. Adjectives used to describe you have included “handful,” “rowdy,” and/or “trouble.” You know they aren’t really meant as a compliment, but you’re so used to them now that they don’t even phase you when they’re shot your way.

8. You have the closest exits figured out at all of your regular spots. You know, just in case the cops show up, or that one girl that hates you, or your ex-boyfriend.

9. You have bummed a smoke off of a homeless person.

10. You know you aren’t really bathing unless there’s a shower beer at arm’s length.

11. Happy Hour is your favorite holiday. After St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, and New Year’s of course.

12. Bridesmaids was a little tough to watch because you recognized yourself in Annie and you hated yourself for it. Explaining why you were crying when Kristen Wiig had her cupcake-making montage was next to impossible and pretty embarrassing.

13. The fact that you have peers who are buying property, having babies, and investing just baffles you. You used a coupon at Target and didn’t go to the bar even though it was Thursday because you had a deadline. That’s basically the same right?

14. You’ve had a black eye or some other pretty substantial visible injury with no recollection of where it came from. Possibilities include face planting off of a curb, smacking your forehead on a door frame, and falling off of a bar stool.

15. The biggest accomplishment of your week might have been that you did laundry and put it away. Good for you.

16. For all of the shenanigans, nights that you don’t remember, and tops that have been ruined by spilled drinks and dropping drunk munchies down the front, you still manage to have a pretty good time. And having fun is pretty important. Just maybe drink a little more water while you’re at the bar next time, okay?