17 Completely Rational Thoughts I Had When Chipotle Told Me They Were Out of Guacamole
It was a casual Wednesday, much like any other. I found myself with 30 free minutes between work meetings, which meant I had just enough time to pick up a Chipotle bowl to-go. Despite the sticky, humid summer weather, I could not justify driving two blocks. So I risked sweating through my silk blouse and made the trek to my beloved neighborhood Chipotle, where the lunch time line was already out the door. I contemplated choosing another lunch destination, but once one commits to Chipotle, there is no going back. I had caught scent of the savory Carnitas, and I needed a hit. I ordered my usual bowl, and life was full of possibility, and joy, and hope. Until I reached the designated condiment employee – and she slowly shook her head “no”.
Her bottom lip protruding and quivering, she informed me that they were out of guacamole.
My immediate thought process:
1. I will burn this place to the ground.
2. I will literally flip this burrito bowl in your face if you don’t show me the guacamole.
3. Is this illegal? Can I sue?
4. People have killed for less.
5. There’s a bar next door. Can I ask them for guac?
6. What if I just lay here on the ground and throw a temper tantrum? Would that get me guacamole?
7. This bowl better be free. I didn’t even get rice. I WAS TRYING TO BE HEALTHY.
8. Can’t wait to eat my meat and lettuce like a peasant.
9. Unforgivable.
10. Are sales down? Seriously. Sales must be down.
11. Why didn’t you put a warning sign on the door? WHERE IS THE PSA? Tell the people to stay home.
12. Is this a nationwide epidemic? What presidential candidate is addressing this issue?
13. If there is an avocado shortage, I will factually vote for whomever can help this crisis.
14. There is no God.
15. Nothing is sacred.
16. I’m not sure I can even go to this 2:00 meeting. I am too enraged.
17. I will diminish.
If you think your day can’t get any worse…it can. Your burrito bowl could suffer a guac-less fate. I may never trust again.