17 Things My Perfect Boyfriend Would Get Me For Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is great in that it’s a holiday about my favorite colors (pink and red) and focuses heavily on candy, but it’s pretty stupid. Especially when you have a new boyfriend, and everyone asks, “What are you two going to do for Valentine’s Day? Aren’t you going to do something?” No, we’re not. And no, I did not get him a gift and he better not get me one! I prefer showing my dude that I love him on random days of the week, not the one the gods have deemed The Official Day of Love. Also, I’d rather get drunk with my girlfriends on V-Day. Valentine’s gifts are soooo cheesy. I can think of a hell of lot better things that are way more romantic than chocolate and stupid red roses.

But if you insist on showering me with presents this Valentine’s Day, I’d rather have:

1. A meat and cheese tray from Costco, preferably one with lots of summer sausage.

2. Target giftcards, always The Most Useful Item and redeemable for various “necessities,” like fancy hand towels and new body wash and baby lotion for the baby we don’t have. Hey, I’m just being practical here.

3. A month’s supply of toilet paper, which is a seriously great underrated gift. It’s not romantic, but who cares? I can spend $20 in far more fun ways than buying TP.

4. A scrapbook of George Strait photos for me to drool over when you’re not around.

5. A box of Cadbury eggs in preparation for the best Candy Holiday, Easter

6. The Gwyneth Paltrow canon of cookbooks. Just in case we go vegan.

7. New fancy sheets to replace the ones we got Cheeto dust on when we were drinking whiskey in bed last night.

8. New fancy sheets that do not show jizz stains. I do not think these exist. If someone invented jizz-proof sheets, they’d be so rich.

9. A coupon for coffee in bed every morning we spend together. This is the realest, most romantic gift I can think of. My dad brings my mom coffee every morning! STEP UP AND BE A MAN HERE.

10. A dress Serena van der Woodsen wore on “Gossip Girl.” I’m not picky. Any dress will do, besides her hideous gold wedding dress.

11. Next year’s Amazon Prime membership payment. $99 is a small price to pay for 2-day delivery of various lotion, chili pepper lights and other random things that spark my fancy. We both benefit from this one.

12. A Vitamix. My brother broke my blender, and a $500 replacement means you’re getting laid every minute of every day in thanks.

13. Cowboy boots with red roses embroidered on them that aren’t totally cheesy, which is apparently impossible to find. I’ve been looking for them for years.

14. A lot of vintage country music tour tees, preferably from the ‘80s and ‘90s

15. More vintage-style lingerie from What Katie Did. I know you love that bullet bra.

16. The payment for my next manicure. This was my nail lady’s idea, not mine, but I think she’s on to something here. “If he wants to choose your nail shape, he can pay for it!” she said. She’s very wise.

17. And lastly, let’s get conventional and purchase a sex toy for V-Day. I really, really want the Form 2 by Jimmyjane, and that is the gift that keeps on giving … and giving … and giving. Love you!