18 Signs You Wish You Were Jewish


1. You judge people depending on whether they enjoy their latkes with applesauce or sour cream (and if they don’t like to put sour cream on their latkes, you question the viability of your friendship with them).

2. On that note, one of the more exciting parts of the upcoming holiday season is that you get to eat latkes with wild abandon.

3. A few birthdays ago, your friend bought you Boy Vey: A Shiksa’s Guide to Dating Jewish Men. This year, another friend bought you a calendar of Nice Jewish Men. You’ve displayed both items prominently around your house.

4. As far as romantic interests go, what matters most to you is not someone’s physical appearance or personality and intellect. Rather, the dealmaker or deal breaker is what bagel flavor and toppings they prefer.

5. Speaking of which, as soon as you find out someone you’ve been seeing doesn’t like bagels and lox, you can feel your attraction waning because you know it’s time to say bye-bye.

6. Your friend signed you up for JDate because she thought it would be a funny joke. Little did she know, that was one of the best favors she could have done for your love life because you are one step closer to finding your bashert.

7. Let’s be honest: you totally have a crush on the president of your school’s Hillel.

8. Your friends know it’s useless to ever attempt Friday night dinner plans with you. Shabbat, y’all.

9. You didn’t know how to boil pasta until the summer after your sophomore year in college and you can’t even make microwavable Mac and Cheese without somehow burning it, but you are a champ at baking challah.

10. Your crowning achievement of the past few months is discovering that Sriracha challah exists. Mind blown, right?!

11. Some women are partial to men in suits and ties. Some women find themselves drawn to men who can pull off the skinny-jeans-and-ironic-tee look. Nothing gets you going more than a man who can rock a solid kippah when the occasion calls for it.

12. You might have the hots for Hoodie Allen, but you are straight up in love with Matiyashu.

13. Even though you’re not from Long Island, you feel an instant kinship with people who are. And you have more geographical knowledge on the various parts of Long Island than you do your own hometown.

14. The best way to pre-game your weekend nights is with a few bottles of Manischewitz and Manischewitz.

15. Cher Horowitz is your spirit animal.

16. You are jealous of all your friend’s Throwback Thursday photos from their middle school bar and bat mitzvahs, which usually involve them sitting in a chair and being lifted as their friends sang “Hava Nagila.”

17. As a matter of fact, instead of planning your future wedding like some young women your age, you are planning your hypothetical, sometime-in-the-future bat mitzvah.

18. You don’t currently have a five-year-plan for your life and you don’t really know where you see yourself after you graduate, but what you do know, is that you plan to go on Birthright as soon as you ditch your cap and gown.

image – Clueless