19 Hilariously True Mindy Lahiri Quotes That Will Help You Lead Your Most Authentic Life

1. “I figure if I’m gonna be a mess, I might as well be a hot mess.”

2. “When your love story ends, all you can do is cry, listen to sad music, and drink wine that you bought from the gas station.”

3. “I have the right to life, liberty, and chicken wings.”

4. “I’m going to take the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Escalator, maybe. Baby steps.”

5. “Maybe I won’t get married. Maybe I’ll just do one of those Eat Pray Love things. Ugh, I don’t want to pray. Forget it. I’ll just die alone.”

6. “I’ll tell you one thing that always lasts forever. Herpes. It’s gross, and it’s horrible—Google image search it.”

7. “I want you to love me in the way that I can show on Instagram.”

8. “Did you know that when I die, in my will I leave all of my money to Tina Fey? I don’t even know her! I just think she would spend it in interesting and responsible ways.”

9. “Songs should be three minutes long and Nicki Minaj raps in the middle.”

10. “My body is very attracted to your body, but when you speak my brain gets angry.”

11. “I’m sorry, are you saying that I’m not cultured? I’m deeply cultured. I’ve been to London.”

12. “Your secret is safe with me. Largely because I don’t care and I’ll probably forget.”

13. “Please let this date be good. May he have the wealth of Mayor Bloomberg. The personality of Jon Stewart. The face of Michael Fassbender. The penis of Michael Fassbender.”

14. “If we’re still single in 5 years and we haven’t found anybody can we make a pact? That we will kill each other.”

15. “Kim Kardashian started out with a sex tape, but she did not let it define her. So we just need to ride out this minor humiliation until we find our Kanye.”

16. “I’m not picky, I just have high standards.”

17. “Condom etiquette. It’s hard for women, you know? Because you want to have condoms, but you can’t keep them by the bed, because then it seems like you’re, like, using them constantly… So then you have to do that whole dance, like, ‘Oh, hey, I might have some somewhere from that bachelorette party I had as a goof!’ ”

18. “I’m like very smart and successful, and I’m hot, but don’t even know it, which makes me even hotter.”

19. “It is so weird being my own role model. I recommend it.”