19 Ways You Know It’s Time To Call It A Night And Go Home

Compiled from a series of real life events. You’re all welcome. 

1. You’re sitting next to a homeless person sharing a beer.

2. You’re long past drunk texting and calling your recent ex, and so naturally you’re considering just going over to their place to… talk.

3. You’re straight up passed out on the couch in the middle of the party.

4. You’re sitting next to a nice older couple in McDonald’s having breakfast in your dress and heels and they ask you where you’re going this morning to be dressed like that.

5. You find yourself playing beer pong by yourself and stepping over sleeping/blacked out(?) bodies to retrieve balls. And you are loving it. 

6. The iHop employees are staring at you because you finished your pancakes 45 minutes ago but you’re just lingering trying to plan your next move.

7. You pee anywhere that’s not a toilet more than twice.

8. Wrecking Ball comes on and you’re crying and throwing yourself around like you are the wrecking ball.

9. Conversely, you’re walking down the city street singing Ridin’ Solo. Loudly.

10. You can’t taste the alcohol anymore.

11. You realize that there are one or more people actively taking care of you/speaking to you like you’re four because they’ve all realized you are no longer able to keep yourself together.

12. Everything seems like a good idea. Including karaoke. Especially when Total Eclipse of the Heart comes on.

13. You’ve lost track of your tab but you’re certain it’s somewhere in the hundreds at this point (“another round of shots on me guys!!!!!!!!”)

14. You’re wearing clothes that aren’t yours and you don’t know how or why.

15. The alcohol is gone and you feel like a lost puppy miles away from home (… or 7-11).

16. You’re vomiting with abandon of all your bodily control on a subway or train (have not done this, but witnessed it too many times not to mention).

17. You realize you’ve been talking to someone for an extended period of time who is probably making assumptions about where the two of you will be going next but you just kind of wanted someone to talk to.

18. You tell a guy you’re a lesbian and he shoves a dollar down your shirt and tells you to go to a lesbian strip club and stick it in a girl’s panties as a parting gift while he abruptly goes to find a new potential sex buddy for the night.

19. You’re doing anything on the bar that isn’t just using it as a table for drinks. This includes, but is not limited to: twerking, sleeping, grinding, etc.