20 Famous People I’d Murder If It Were Legal

1. Justin Bieber

I’ve never liked his music, but I didn’t care enough to dislike him. I didn’t mind him until it turned out his entire goody-two-shoes image was a bunch of crap. He was supposed to be this poor Christian kid who sang on the streets and was overjoyed to be noticed. Forget those music videos of him with sick children; in reality, he’s an aggressive, stuck-up little punk who parties, drives fast, and scores with Brazilian hookers. One look at his deposition to do with ordering his bodyguards to attack fans shows you the real Bieber. Nasty piece of work.

2. Jeremy Kyle

More known to Brits (although his disease of a show was passed on to the US before getting canceled), this slimeball’s TV program is effectively another version of Jerry Springer. He’s such an unlikable individual that even the scum he has on his show are more watchable than him.

3. Dr. Phil

Could this guy be more of a shit-stick? The baldheaded doctor likes to give people advice on his show, and he likes to give it veeeerrrry sloooowly (because his viewers are idiots?). I’ve never understood how airing a mother’s bad parenting to millions of people is supposed to help her out and make her better. Oh, wait—it’s not; it’s meant to get him higher ratings and fill his pockets with cash.

4. Pelé

He used to be a great soccer player, but now he’s just a has-been who won’t get the fuck out of the limelight. He advertises shit he’s never heard of (Subway being his latest endeavor), and his views on soccer are basically useless. Every time a World Cup comes around, he’s asked who he thinks will win, and every time he names half the participants as potential winners. Thanks for that prediction, Pelé. He’ll probably die soon anyway, so it would be no big deal if I killed him.

5. Wendy Williams

Who the fuck gave this woman a radio show and who in the sweet motherfucking fuck gave her a TV show? Damn it—she has a book, too! Her opinions are meaningless. She’s just a loud woman who for some odd reason has been given a voice.

6. Kanye West

I understand arrogance. Many people are arrogant, but this guy thinks he’s the Messiah. He’s here to save us and give us the music and clothing we’ve been thirsting for our entire lives. He’s responsible for creating a “new sound” that we’ve never heard and thinks we should all care that his fashion ideas are not being taken seriously by big brands. Fuck off, Kanye!

7. Vladimir Putin

This guy is a dictator knob. Granted, he’s not the only dictator knob in the world, but he feels too untouchable now. The shit he’s been pulling over the past few weeks goes to show that it’s time for an assassination. I’d be happy to oblige (as long as I get the necessary protection afterwards).

8. Cristiano Ronaldo

A lot of Americans are skeptical about soccer. Cristiano Ronaldo is supposed to be the best soccer player in the world. That doesn’t help soccer’s cause. He’s a cunt with a capital “C.” I’m against abortions, but knowing that his mother was planning to abort him before a doctor changed her mind makes me wonder if I should change my mind about abortion.

9. Kim Jong-un

He’s the supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. The title itself is a joke. Democratic? People’s!? I wanna beat this fat fuck down with a baseball bat, strip him naked, stick an apple in his mouth, and roast him on a spit before feeding him to my dog.

10. Paris Hilton

This blonde bimbo is too much. She has everything she wants for nothing. She’s a dumb socialite bitch who we’ve been forced to know exists. I’d happily make her existence a thing of the past. She’s trademarked catchphrases such as “huuuuge” and “that’s hot.” Those alone are hanging offenses.

11. Anthony Cumia

I wasn’t sure whether to stick him up here or not. I decided to do it, but it’s partly to do with jealousy. I like to give my opinions and so does he, but his opinions matter. He’s been on the radio since the mid-90s because he got lucky and fell ass-first into a radio-hosting job. He used to be a “tin-knocker” until one musical entry in an O. J. Simpson parody song contest led to him voicing his rants on air for the past 20 years. He now lives in a palace and even has a news-like TV studio set up in his house. Die, Cumia, die!

12. Jay Leno

The big-chinned bastard is one of the fakest talk-show hosts in the world (and that’s saying a lot, because guys such as Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O’Brien aren’t much better). I don’t care that he promised Conan his position and then went back on his word. The guy has 500 cars in his garage and he’s not even good at his job. Bullet to the chin!

13. Nicolas Cage

These days I feel like he’s in almost every movie I watch. He must be making 50 movies per year. He won’t go away! Some of his movies are OK; it’s just that he’s made too many, so since he’s gone over the limit, I want to kill him to even it out.

14. Howard Stern

Stern thinks he’s a genius. He probably believes he’s a god. He spends most of his shows talking about sex. Yeah—genius. He looks like a scarecrow you wanna hang from a tree and beat with a bat.

15. The Kardashians

I didn’t want to waste so many of my 20 spaces on them, so they go in together as a group entry. I want to murder all of them, from the annoying talentless sisters (the fat one should be fed to a wildebeest or some poor starving family in a Third World country) to the plastic-faced stepfather who probably secretly fantasizes about fucking his stepdaughters. To quote Hook from the 1991 movie (entitled Hook), “Kill them, kill them all!”

16. Mark Zuckerberg

He gets it for creating Facebook. It’s a nice idea that’s gone too far. That and mobile phones have eliminated the idea of PHYSICAL SOCIALIZING! You’ve ruined young people!

17. Ivana Trump

I’d stick the entire Trump family here, but she’s the one that annoys me the most. The daughter was born into it; what can she do? Donald is a COCK with a hairpiece that looks like something that was killed crossing the road, but every time I see Ivana, all I can think of is that she’s a gold-digging whore. It’s like a song you can’t get out of your head. She could be giving a one-hour talk on how to be successful in business, and all I’d hear is that voice in my head saying, “gold-digging whore” drowning her out.

18. Simon Cowell

He gets paid millions of dollars to sit in a chair and say, “That was bloody awful…next.” Apparently he’s an expert on the music industry. After working in several menial jobs, daddy got him a job at a music publishing mailroom, so now he’s an expert? I wanna kill him by cutting out his vocal cords and stuffing them into his mouth so he can choke on his own shitty accent.

19. Seth MacFarlane

I want to like him, but he’s far too left-leaning for me. His cartoons are funny, but the humor is wrapped in hatred for the right. His show American Dad is basically an attack on right-wing politics and views. Come on, Seth, you’re entitled to your own opinions, but can’t you be a bit more impartial in your show like South Park is? If you’re going to dish it out, dish it out everywhere. He’s also trying to act; that’s unforgivable.

20. Charlie Sheen

He’s an example of how doing everything wrong can’t hurt you in Hollywood. He can’t get away with this. A sniper rifle shot to the head while he’s jogging in the park (or doing coke of some hooker’s titties) should do it.