20 Things I Did In College That I Will Never Do Again

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  1. Do math of any kind, unless I’m calculating a tip, and even then I have my friends and a calculator on my phone to help me.
  2. Smoke weed with the resident pothead at three in the afternoon and earnestly discuss 9/11 as being an inside job.
  3. Hook up with “straight” boys who cry after I make them cum.
  4. Feel okay about looking like a garbage can. No more all-nghters during finals week = no more excuses.
  5. Forget the reason why I’m friends with someone.
  6. Justify my drug use.
  7. Have classroom crushes. I might miss this one most of all. A cute boy sometimes made the difference of whether you went to class or not.
  8. Take my parents for granted.
  9. Be forced to sit in a room with psychos and discuss gender issues. Although, let’s be real, that was fun.
  10. Have entire summers off just to have feelings and make out with boys I don’t like.
  11. Believe that my senior thesis is a big deal. I wrote a novella about the Chateau Marmont????!!!!
  12. Stay up all night writing a paper about the feminist aspects of Victorian literature and then promptly forget everything I had learned and written about.
  13. Have a built-in social group from school and know that I was going to see certain friends at certain times each day. After college, you have to actually put effort in to see your friends and it sucks.
  14. Go to a theme party. No more theme parties.
  15. Be forced to watch people play beer pong, although you never really know when that could pop up again.
  16. Have my main job and #1 priority just be to read amazing books and talk about them with smart{ish} people.
  17. Live in a protected bubble for four years and feel like the world doesn’t exist beyond it. I mean, you know it does, but you just pretend life doesn’t exist outside of your college because it stresses you out.
  18. Get away with getting too drunk and skipping class and sleeping in and letting your hangover guide you through the day. You thought there were consequences to your actions but there really wasn’t.
  19. Have your biggest worry be, “Oh no! I have to write a ten page paper on heteronormative behavior in the context of Friends and it’s due in 12 hours!” Come on, how awesome is that? I’d love to write that paper today.
  20. Have my friends go study abroad and then talk about how it changed their life for the next year. Some people are still talking about it.

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image – Animal House