20 Things I Hope Will Happen In The Last Season Of True Blood
By Brett Nolan
1. More Alexander Skarsgard full frontal nudity.
2. Pam throws enough shade to cause global cooling.
3. Lafayette stars in Bon Temps’ public access version of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
4. Sookie becomes a polygamist and marries Bill, Eric, and Alcide.
5. It’s explained how Sookie can afford to do anything while being a barely employed waitress.
6. Tara bitches out everyone in every episode.
7. Bill becomes a Confederate soldier again during America’s second Civil War.
8. Jason and Sookie open a pancake diner called The Stackhouse.
9. An entire episode is dedicated to Joe Manganiello doing a Magic Mike-styled dance as Alcide.
10. Sam shifts into a dog and must go on a Homeward Bound-like journey.
11. Jessica realizes Bill is super boring and joins the Fangtasia vampire family.
12. Ginger has a scream off with a goat.
13. Maryann comes back for one last crazy kegger.
14. Lettie Mae becomes a vampire and gets a spinoff with Tara about fast talking vampire mother/daughter relationships set in a small New England town.
15. Jason realizes he is a different kind of fairy.
16. Andy, Arlene and Holly do something interesting.
17. The vampire allegory for gay rights becomes even more heavy handed — to the point that it has LGBT viewers saying, “Stop shoving this down our throats!”
18. A resurrected Steve Newlin gets in a slap fight with Sarah Newlin.
19. Adele Stackhouse becomes a poltergeist and the main villain of this season.
20. Sookie finds out her telepathy was actually caused by a tumor and dies.