20 Things You Should Know About Beards


1. Beard + guy-liner is a hot combo.

2. A beard does not signify any other facet of masculinity other than a biological ability to grow one. It does not indicate the kind of sex we will have, whether I have a cock, the music I listen to, or the number of diamonds in my tiara.

3. Beards are really great at disguising small chins and creating cheekbone-like contours on chubby cheeks.

4. Men without beards are beautiful, too.

5. Women with beards are beautiful, too.

6. Drag queens with beards are my fave. F’realz.

7. Some people keep beards for religious/spiritual reasons.

8. Because of professional restrictions, some people will not grow beards. I’ve seen a guy actually apologize for this on his Scruff profile.

9. Feeling profiled or at risk in post 9/11 U.S., some men (Muslim/Sikh/Arab/South Asian) shave their beards.

10. Use a scissor to get a clean trim on the hair over the lip. Your chilled asparagus soup will be less likely to sit in your mustache if you do.

11. Does designer stubble count as a beard? I’d say at 0.25,” we’ve reached beard.

12. Growing a beard does not immediately include you in Bear culture which tries to be body positive, racially inclusive, and trans-friendly. I would really like it if beards came with a sense of queer politics.

13. Beards (and the skin beneath them) need care: washing, combing, moisturizing, conditioning.

14. Sculpt your facial hair based on your natural growth. This sometimes means going for a goatee, mustache, burns, or chops instead of a beard. Trust me, it’ll be cuter. NB: Soul patches are only acceptable at 0.5” x 0.5”, anything larger is a mistake.

15. Hot beards are usually attributed to white men, but men of color look great with beards too.

16. Shave the neck-beard part. Seriously. Now.

17. Making out with beards can result in exfoliation, light bruising, and intense pleasure… especially around the neck area. Sometimes though, it’s too ticklish for those weak souls. Their loss.

18. You can get electrolysis so that your beard grows in a neat line along the cheek and doesn’t grow at the neck. But that’s so vain. Who would do that?

19. Contrary to popular belief, beards do not hold food tastes for later.

20. Contrary to popular belief, big beards are not full of secrets. That was only true about Gretchen Wiener’s hair.

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