20 Ways To Be Popular At An Expensive Conservative College
By Kassie Caine
1. Be a finance minor. You don’t have to have any interest in finance or ever take a single class in it, but declaring yourself a finance minor makes you an expert on the matter. And therefore good people.
2.Tuck your shirt in—because what are you, a high school teacher?
3. Join a fraternity or sorority, preferably the one your parent(s) was (were) a part of. Legacy is power.
4. Cheer loudly at every game of every male, athletic team. Everybody knows that sports events are really just pageants, so the loudest screamer and the best bathing suit will win. Shirtlessness encouraged.
5. Divert all funds to but the most expensive preppy clothing you can find. Layer carefully so that brand names are always visible.
6. Be seen at the gym everyday. It used to be that exercise and healthfulness were only for those hippie leftists, but recently conservatives have taken up the cause. (After all we can’t let them outlive us.) Even if you only elliptical in your newest Lulu Lemon or do one round of calf-lifts to look good in your Nantucket Reds, make sure you were seen.
7. Have an opinion on every political issue. Don’t worry—you’re entitled.
8. Own pearls and display them frequently.
9. Attend every class, but never pay attention. You are there, and that’s what counts. Grades are negotiable, and your finance minor probably guarantees you a job with your father’s company anyway.
10. Allow yourself one liberal ‘cause’ to support—gay marriage, abortion, immigration, whatever. You don’t want to seem totally outdated, so you can stray from your conservative roots for one opinion and one only. But stick to it—everyone remembers which you chose, and we don’t take kindly to leftist propaganda.
11. Complain often about how ‘green’ products like CFLs are not as good as the real thing.
12. Eat meat with every breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack. “Vegetarian” is synonymous with “America-hater”, and that’s not you.
13. Wear a bandana because—let’s be honest—you probably have southern roots somewhere in your lineage.
14. When you drink—and you will drink—the harder the better. You are working your way up to drinking scotch from a Riedel glass. At 8am.
15. Make it clear that you, too, intrinsically hate the West Coast.
16. “Support the Troops” with bake sales, car washes and t-shirt sales with products that were made in Iraq.
17. You know those lanyard things that keep sunglasses on your head? Wear those unironically.
18. Be beautiful. After all, there are finance majors to woo and political campaigns to win. Ugly people just don’t win elections…they just don’t.
19. Have ‘help’. From family cooks to pool boys to those international students that do your homework: it’s always good to have underlings.
20. Sneak your school colors into every outfit. Not loving your school is like not loving America: either you’re in or you’re a terrorist.