21 Awkward Little Crimes Every Woman Has Committed When She Thought No One Was Looking


1. Browsed through a cosmetics store to ‘try out’ a few swipes of blush, or spritzes of high-end perfume (while happening to be on her way to something…and having absolutely no intention of making a purchase).

2. Used ‘that time of the month’ as an excuse to leave class / go home early / not hook up with you.

3. Stolen a tampon from someone’s bathroom, room, or perhaps in truly desperate times, purse.

4. Told a bold-faced lie to someone about what she’d been doing for the past 4 hours, saying something like “Oh, just reading” or “Catching up on emails” (because the reality was along the lines of “eating cold takeout while passively flipping through some stranger’s entire Instagram history, pausing only to bite her nails and stare into space.”)

5. When her roommates weren’t home: stolen negligible amounts of their food from the fridge. Like 2 bites of pasta, 1 scoop of peanut butter, a few sips of wine, and a fingerful of frosting. Put everything back *perfectly* in place.

6. When home alone: dropped some incredible bite of chocolate, or pizza, or half-eaten toast on the floor, and proceeded to pick it up, blow on it, and devour it.

7. Smuggled some contraband into a concert / school dance / any venue by stashing it into her bra. (This point brought to you by Airplane Shots).

8. Conveniently declined to mention her age, when it benefited to be younger or older.

9. Conveniently declined to mention a significant other, when it benefited to be ‘single.’

10. Cleared her search history on something minor, but that she would still be mortified for her significant other to see (cough:::an ex’s Facebook, and Instagram, and personal website…)

11. Noticed that someone she’s seeing has left their phone, Facebook, or email left open and been overcome with the temptation to browse.

12. Watched something that she felt she should probably, objectively be offended or grossed out by, (probably that rhymes with shmorn), and gotten surprisingly turned on by it.

13. Had a detailed fantasy about a person she knows “platonically” (and, chances are, is someone it’d be completely inappropriate to hook up with. ie. a coworker, or friend’s dad).

14. When asked about how she knows someone: left out the part where they made out in high school (or college..or the years right after college…none of those count, right?)

15. Talked shit about someone who has NO idea she doesn’t like them. (But does it count as shit talking if it’s just true facts that deserve to be known??)

16. Let out a terrible SBD in a social setting, or with an SO, and pulled off an Academy-Award deserving expression of ignorance.

17. When her mom or sister weren’t home: did some investigating into their rooms, sleuthing for secret stashes of whatever they could be stowing away, flipping through their stuff, and just generally trying to get a closer glimpse into their secret lives.

18. When a friend left an article of clothing at her house: took the ‘innocent’ liberty of wearing it to an occasion that the friend wouldn’t be at…

19. When a guy left his boxers / sweats at her house: re-purposed them into pajamas for the next 10 years.

20. Rounded down when referring to her ‘number.’ (Namely because it’s a pointless question, and anyone who asks her what it is doesn’t deserve to know).

21. Cheated at a game of ‘5 fingers’ aka ‘Never Have I Ever’ (Who has never cheated at that?! That game is stressful as hell, and if you’ve ended up panicking and fudging the truth, either to sound more OR less experienced, well, you are absolutely not the first of us to do so).

image – istock