21 Hilarious Tweets For You To Satisfy Your Content Consumption Quota Today
"People fear what they don't understand," Guy Fieri whispers to himself in the mirror, applying more bleach to his pubes.
— جســـــــار ظافر (@Jassar_JD) June 5, 2015
[Struggling to open a package of fruit snacks in front of a hot babe] I swear to god this never happens
— Donnie (@donnie_fairburn) October 25, 2014
https://twitter.com/NurseMurderer/status/592444587685347328
"U can legally stab someone if u suspect they're a Gary."
-no you can't
*pulling knife from sheath*
"Sounds like somthin a Gary would say"— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) May 22, 2015
So how did you two meet?
*flashback to seeing her number on the inside of a porta potty*
"Through friends."— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 19, 2015
I ate a Cheeto but it turned out to be a carrot.
This is the worst day of my life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2015
*Justin Bieber goes to jail
*Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest
*learns cellmate is dyslexic
— RaspberryheART (@Jenny4ashley) January 27, 2014
Whenever I ask my mom for something she always says "Go ask your father!" Then we laugh and laugh because I don't have a Dad
— Jay (@DirtMcTurd) June 18, 2015
https://twitter.com/jewfacekilla/status/610648345573486593
https://twitter.com/DillDoes/status/494571265206652929
Doctor: do you smoke
Me: no, but I vape
Doctor: somebody call a doctor this guy is sick af lol
Me: but you're a doctor— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) June 19, 2015
Bae: Come over
Me: No I'm busy wallowing in my own cosmic worthlessness
Bae: My parents aren't home
Me: Is anyone home?— Mouse on a Carousel (@CarouselMouse) November 8, 2014
Doe, a unicorn, a female unicorn
Bae, a shortening of babe
Me, the one within my selfie
So? the fucks I do not give
– The Sound of Twitter.— Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy) July 29, 2014
https://twitter.com/FoxCGrandpa/status/609894310092374016
[Family eating dinner]
MOM: Are we forgetting vegetables?
SON: But I hate vegetables
[sobbing from other room]
VEGETABLES: I WISH I WAS DEAD— ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇eest (@flashember) June 18, 2015
https://twitter.com/MiiFighter/status/612797362763771904
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
"A storm's comin"
[In the distance, Darude 'Sandstorm' can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*— several onions (@Amusitr0n) March 23, 2015
https://twitter.com/LostCatDog/status/611002979081170944
WHN ITS A MONDAY pic.twitter.com/Zd6JC0cTJB
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) June 22, 2015
I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 14, 2012
me: i have a terrible headache
duck doctor: did someone say breadache pic.twitter.com/KghPYYbZJH— Age of Computer (@scawn_) June 19, 2015