21 Important Reminders That Will Get You Through The Days Leading Up To Valentine’s Day

1. Condom sales peak in February. At-home pregnancy tests spike in March.

2. February is one of the worst months to buy jewelry because of the markups. In the one week leading up to Valentine’s Day, a record 34 million tons of mine waste is generated because of gold jewelry sales.

3. Whether or not you are in a couple, not everyone likes to get dressed up and drop way too much money on overpriced pink martinis and tiny portions while waging war with the starry-eyed couple over the last table in the house. Going out on Valentine’s Day is not only a waste of money when you could get the same meal on any other night for $20 less, but it’s also a mob scene.

4. The chance you’ll fall in love on Valentine’s Day as opposed to any other day of the year is 0.27%.

5. Valentine’s Day is technically a religious holiday. It’s the feast of St. Valentine. That’s just something we should all keep in mind for the lolz as we watch people try all too hard to get laid on Valentine’s Day.

6. There are 29 days in February this year, so there certain schools of thought (mostly lead by me) that suggest we should just eliminate a different day in February to keep the month at 28 days. So, we could just eliminate the 14th. That’s an option.

7. The most important part of Valentine’s Day is the day after V-Day when all the candy goes on sale. That’s when the romance really begins.

8. You’re allowed to be happy for your friends who are in relationships or are overly enthusiastic about Valentine’s Day, and simultaneously really not want to hear them talk about the reservation they’ve been trying to get for two months.

9. When you search Valentine’s Day on Google, a few clicks will land you on several thousand articles about The Best Proposal Spots In Your City, and it’s honestly the fucking worst.

10. Acts of love — even celebrating Valentine’s Day, proposing, or showing someone how much you care — don’t need to be boastful to be meaningful. People sharing their love on V-Day shouldn’t be a ploy to make everyone else feel like they’re single AF. We should all be able to celebrate or not celebrate in perfect harmony. We should also all express love on the 364 other days of the year.

11. Galentine’s Day is celebrated on February 13th, which is a Saturday this year, so keep the wine at the ready.

12. Your days leading up to Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be spent thinking about whether or not to text your ex, or wondering whether or not they’ll reach out to you. It is not a day to be spent contemplating unrequited love while staring at roses on someone else’s desk. It’s just a day that has more chocolate than the day before it. And that’s not a bad thing.

13. If you ever feel like your Valentine’s Day is a complete and utter fail, I will tell you the one secret that will make you feel better: I spilled wine on my boyfriend’s computer last Valentine’s Day. Yeah. That really happened.

14. Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears spent Valentine’s Day 10 years ago covered head-to-toe in denim. So, what I’m saying is, things could be much worse.

15. Anyone who has ever spent money on Valentine’s Day lingerie is making an investment that is about as practical as buying a Vera Wang prom dress. They’re only going to wear it for one night, they’re not going to obey the dry-clean-only instructions, and they’re going to end up getting rid of it before the end of the year.

16. Al Capone sent his gang to kill seven members of the Bug Moran gang on Valentine’s Day instead of buying his girl flowers.

17. To this day, no one has any idea why we celebrate Valentine’s Day. It might be because it’s St.Valentine’s feast day, or it might be because DeBeers and Hallmark pulled off the best top-secret collaborative ad campaign of all time.

18. Valentine’s Day candy is where New Year’s health resolutions go to die. (I’m speaking from personal experience here.)

19. Much like New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day is famous for being an over-hyped let down of a holiday. It sets both people in the couple up for failure because no one knows whether you’re supposed to get each other gifts, or just the women are supposed to receive gifts, etc. There are a lot of unanswered questions, which lead to elevated expectations that very few people meet.

20. Valentine’s Day encourages us to express love in a superficial way. We’re taught that if he buys you a present, it means he loves you more, and that’s not the way we should approach love at all. February 14th also gives us an excuse to not express our love, kindness, or gratitude for each other on other days of the year. That’s not how it should be.

21. Candy hearts taste like chalk sweetened with aspartame.