21 Kitchen Thoughts You Might Have When You Finally Try To Cook


“Kitchen thoughts” is the title of your memoir, hitting shelves as soon as yOuUu hit those pantry shelves! (I am so sorry, I am compensating for my lack of ability in the kitchen with lukewarm humor, pity me.) Anyway, here are some thoughts that might take place in your brain while your dumb ass figures out the kitchen.

1. What are lentils and how do they become food?

2. What is quinoa and how does it become…well, yeah, food I want to eat?

3. Can we make quinoa chips, so that I don’t have to go Survivor season 1 on this water absorption, creating fire, simmer-forever noise? No? Am I just lazy? Yeah, okay. I am lazy as hell.

4. How many greens is enough greens, though?

5. Damn, everythings is better in a bowl with rice. Or pasta. Or just like…well yeah, just in a bowl.

6. How much oil goes in the skillet—okay, that is too much.

7. Sriracha will help.

8. My mouth is on fire.

9. More salt!

10. Less salt, because heart disease…right?

11. Does anyone actually use measuring cups, like I can live without those, right?

12. *water boils over, everything burns* Well damn, I guess everyone does measure stuff.

13. Is chicken supposed to taste like dry cardboard nothing?

14. Chicken definitely shouldn’t taste like nothing.

15. I’ll just use some marinade…


17. Can you marinate vegetables?

18. Is salt a marinade?

19. Marinade is a weird word.

20. So cooking is just like, guessing with sauce, then?

21. Gotta start somewhere, right?

*house goes up in flames, chicken tastes good though, so I mean—*