21 Lessons From My Drunken Grandpa


My grandfather and I guzzled two bottles of red wine, and popped open a third. We were getting real fucked up last night. He tilted the bottle into both our cups, and filled them up half way. Grandpa had a thick beard, beady eyes and a bald head. He was all of 72 years old when he tilted the wine glass into his mouth, took a deep swig and dried his mouth. The minute the liquor touched his lips, I noticed an off look in his eye and I knew he was fucking drunk. He gave me two playful as hell slaps on my cheeks and smiled. The sun was down, grandma was snoozing in the next room and the house was thick in silence. Not a sound. Suddenly, my grandfather had another taste of his drink, lifted his beard, sniffed it, and let it fall.

“I want to tell you about life, son, if you let me.”

“Yeah…su-su-sure.” I said and took a sip of my drink.

“I’ve lived a long time, and…and, one thing I know about life is that, son, it c-can chew you up and s-shit you right the fuck out. Nothing will t-test y-you more than life. My grandfather cursed when he drank. I apologize, this sort of language does not represent my grandpa’s persona, only his drunkenness. No matter, here are 21 lessons from my drunken Grandpa:

1. If you don’t believe in yourself then why the hell should anyone else.

2. Spend more time alone in reflection each and every day.

3. Be educated.

4. Life is not fair. Sometimes you get splinters.

5. I’m not perfect; your grandma’s not perfect.  But we’re perfect for each other. Find your love.

*My Grandpa dozed off for five seconds, before coming back to life and continuing*

6. Be yourself because there is no one truer than you.

7. Be yourself in a world that is always trying to change you.

8. Time heals all wounds, even the ones on your heart.

9. Get outside every day. Great things are happening everywhere you go. Be a part of it.

10. Don’t chase dreams. Put that b-b-b-bitch in a chokehold and make um say UNCLE!

11. Know that you deserve the b-b-best.

12. Life is a gift, be present in every moment.

13. Rather than sit on a beach and watch the waves go by grab a boat and set sail.

14. Watch the sun rise. It’s reminds you how beautiful this world truly is.

15. Bake a pie and share the slices.

16. Never stop m-m-moving. When in doubt, take small steps but the key is to never stop m—m-moving.

17. I had a full head of hair when I was your age. Now look at me, bald as a Billy Goat. Nothing stays gold forever kid, you remember that.

18. You’re alive for a reason. Find out why.

19. LIVE.

*He dozed off again. I tried to wake him. Grandpa! Grandpa! I rose from my seat. The alcohol weighed me down. I, too had drunk a lot.  Then he snapped his eyes open. He looked like a demon. *

20. A friend is someone who will take the key from you and never let you drive… drunk. A real friend makes sure you stop at the 7-11 on the way home.

21. Live life as if tomorrow’s not guaranteed.