21 Things Every Woman In Her 20s Should Halve


1. A sandwich. That they made for themselves. Then they should eat both halves.

2. A werewolf. Because that’s the only way to kill them.

3. Their diet soda intake. Look drink whatever you want, I won’t stop you because I’m too lazy to even research why diet soda is bad for you. It’s probably all of that full-cal soda I drink.

4. A log. Preferably using an ax.

5. The time they waste on what other people think of them.

6. Grapes. Then freeze them for a delightful snack, or put them in a baby’s fat hands as he squeals.

7. Their Facebook friends.

8. An apple. So they can see the cool star shape in the middle.

9. Hydras. Two heads are not always better than one.

10. The distance between themselves and their dreams.

11. Sourdough bread. Okay, well, technically hollow it out, remove half, and fill it with dip.

12. Their insecurities.

13. A shoebox. To make a diorama with an elementary school student.

14. A dead deer. If you must survive inside it until morning.

15. The number of sunrises/sunsets they miss. Even if it’s from a crowded commuter train or tiny office window.

16. A piece of rope. Now you have TWO belts.

17. The deficit. Nobody else is going to do it.

18. A sponge. If you’re running low on sponges.

19. An hour everyday to use it however you want to use it.

20. Pills. If your dog or cat is sick and the vet tells you to do it. Or if you just really love annoying challenges.

21. A piece of cake. Then eat one half now and the other half later.