22 Bizarre (Yet Funny) Tweets That Will Brighten Up Your Day
https://twitter.com/pinupteacher/status/543226017410609152
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What's-— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) December 10, 2014
Had a tweet about beer but it's just a draft.
— Sharla Tsweb (@eye_spyder) October 16, 2013
[At funeral]
"USA… USA…"
*Stands up*
"USA… USA!"
*Crowd joins in slowly*
"USA! USA!"
*Widow jumps up & pounds on casket like a drum*
USA! US— A Pile of Cheese (@Cheese_Pile) June 26, 2014
"Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks." *hits tree with axe* " Take me for example. I just hate trees."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) May 27, 2014
https://twitter.com/Dox_Boi/status/544564126673285120
[Gods wife walks in]
"What are you doing with those bits of neck?"
*God spins around holding a giraffe* LOL. Look at this fuckin thing Linda— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) October 9, 2014
Obama: I have a meeting.
Biden: I have a meeting.
Obama: Stop copying me.
Biden: Stop copying me. pic.twitter.com/s0PrZIG4Vf
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 25, 2014
https://twitter.com/Diversion50/status/425976960746258432
https://twitter.com/peeznuts/status/544275262117265408
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall— ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇eest (@flashember) August 4, 2013
"I have a bone to pick with you," I say, shovel in hand, as I lead my girlfriend through the cemetery. I want a femur, but she likes tibias.
— Andy Ledbetter (@ranndrew) December 9, 2014
https://twitter.com/peeznuts/status/535946183152504833
My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) September 30, 2014
[on a plane]
Stewardess: "Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff"
Me: "Sure, can I have two?"
*puts one in each ear*
— Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) (@ojedge) December 14, 2014
Seeing an Android screenshot reminds me of the time my dad lost his job
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 16, 2014
https://twitter.com/redthe1/status/515317351856607232
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/544866969594236930
This concert sucks. What song is this?
"Shhh! She's playing Mozart."
It's terrible.
"Shhh! She's only seven!"
(whispers) shhhh-ee sucks.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) December 11, 2014
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife— paperwash© (@PaperWash) September 20, 2014
[at Taco Bell]
Hi I’d like a case of dillas
“Sir, do you mean a quesadilla?”
[leans all the way over the counter]
Do I look Spanish to you?— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 12, 2014
[Speed dating]
"I'll tell you the same thing I told the last girl. *flings back cape* I came straight from work."— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) December 15, 2014