23 Signs He’s Just Not That Into You (Because He’s a Zombie)
By Nico Lang
1. He never introduces you at parties, because he lost the ability to articulate full sentences or coherent thoughts after the plague overtook his body. But the real question is: Does he still care?
2. He never cuddles at night. Close contact aggravates his flesh wounds and makes his bones crack. You sometimes feel like his skin actually recoils at your touch, but that’s just the maggots crawling. He’s just so hard to get close to these days.
3. He never texts you because his eyes rotted out years ago. You know not to take it personally when he doesn’t get back to you, but you can’t help it. Communication is too important to take lightly. That’s a dealbreaker, ladies.
4. He doesn’t kiss you back. He can’t because he doesn’t have lips — or a jaw. However, if he loved you, he would show you he cared. Love conquers all, even having your lower mandible torn to shreds by a lawnmower or ripped off by a chainsaw.
5. Instead of asking you out on a solo date, he always wants to hang out with his friends. However, you feel like you just don’t fit into the hoard, but he doesn’t listen. It’s such a boys’ club. You want to go to the mall, not set it on fire, and those Jimmy Choos are hard to try on when you’re engulfed in flames.
6. He only ever wants to meet at night. You say it’s a booty call, but he claims its just the best time to hunt for flesh. Tomato, to-mah-toe. Men are such savages, amirite?
7. He hasn’t listed the two of you as “in a relationship” on Facebook because social media wasn’t invented in the 19th century, back when he was a teenager. Things were so much simpler before the internet and rigor mortis.
8. He always asks you to pay because the restaurant doesn’t accept “Brains!” or “More Brains!” as payment. A man who can’t provide for you doesn’t deserve you.
9. You always have to make the first move. He doesn’t move. During sex, he just lies there, letting you do all the work. It’s not just his body that’s cold. It’s his heart.
10. He never asks you back to his place because the coffin is too small. But if he really wanted you in his life, wouldn’t he spring for the double? A single coffin only fits a single man.
11. That’s not a red flag, gurl. That scarlet is his jugular bursting. His body couldn’t handle the transformation. If he can’t handle a simple autoimmune virus, there’s no way he can handle this relationship.
12. He doesn’t want to have children with you because he’s worried about passing on the sickness. However, if he really wanted to build a life with you, he’d love your half-mutant baby, no matter what. Love means accepting all of you, even your flesh-eating offspring.
13. When you’re eating lunch together, you always see his eye wandering…out of his head. But if he really loved you, couldn’t he control it? He’s too busy being undead to notice you anymore and you’re convinced he can’t even see you. He must be headless.
14. You’ve never met his parents because they escaped being turned in the uprising. It’s like you’re missing this entire part of his past and his history. How can you really understand him if you don’t even know where he comes from — or even his name?
15. He’s too busy obsessing about feasting on all of humanity to think about a future together. Just because it’s the post-apocalypse doesn’t mean he has to be so distant.
16. Conversation is so one-sided. Sometimes it’s like his ears are so filled with worms he’s not even listening.
17. He’s never said “I love you”…or a discernable phrase in the English language. Does grunting “hunnggghhnn” mean true love? You don’t need to overanalyze. Read the signs, honey. A guy who loves you knows how to say it.
18. His body language is soo hard to read. Sure, he’s slouching from bone decay, but the least he could do is sit up straight at the dinner table. This is why we can’t have nice things.
19. His hobbies include slaughtering orphans, infecting local populations, keeping up with the Kardashians and lonely walks through the woods, but they don’t include you. All your friends tell you “he just needs space,” but you know better. Move on.
20. He loves animals more than he loves you. It’s biological necessity, but it’s also because he can’t commit to another person. That rat monkey will never care about him like you do.
21. He lacks forward momentum and you feel like he’s mindlessly drifting through existence. There’s more to life than attacking slackers at the local pub. He could really be somebody if he just applied himself. When if comes to life, don’t drag your feet.
22. He never cleans up after himself. If he’s going to have his brains blown all over the place, you think the least he could do is put down a towel. I bet Emma Stone’s boyfriend would have at least gotten out the Swifer.
23. He’s always breaking plans at the last minute and blowing you off because he has to be up early for work. If he really loved you, he’d rest when he was dead. Oh, right.