23 Thoughts Every Girl Has When Going To The Gynecologist

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  1. Oh, crap.  I have my gyno appointment today.
  2. I HATE the gyno.
  3. Once a year is one time too many to be violated, poked and prodded with cold metal objects.
  4. Guess I should probably shower, huh?
  5. Ugh, I need to shave.  This poor doctor doesn’t need to be subjected to my winter stubble.
  6. I’m shaving and now I’m putting lotion on.  I feel like I’m getting ready for a date.
  7. Well this kind of IS a date.  I mean, I’m going to end up naked during it.
  8. OK, I’ve arrived.  Time to fill out some forms.  I don’t like filling out forms.
  9. Now I’ll just wait until they call my name.  What’s that?  An HPV brochure?  Cool, cool.
  10. Ah!  It’s go-time.
  11. The assistant is going to take my blood pressure and ask me a few standard questions. This is the easy part.
  12. Ugh, you want to weigh me?  Please, God, no.  I like to live in my ignorant bliss where I haven’t stepped on a scale and just believe I weigh 100 lbs.
  13. OK, so the weighing thing is happening.  Thanks for saying the number out loud… even though I can see it.
  14. I can *never* figure out how this gown goes on.  Does the opening go in the front or back?
  15. And what’s this random oversized paper towel thing for?  Where does that go?
  16. I’ll just wait here for the doctor.  No clothes on, weird hospital gown on, unflattering fluorescent lights and models of fake vaginas everywhere.  This must be what Hell is like.
  17. Alright, doc is in the house.  Let’s get this ish over with.
  18. Thanks for making small talk with me during the process.  Discussing the current weather almost makes me forget we’re getting to second base.
  19. Ah, the stirrups.  Gotta love them stirrups.  What’s the most uncomfortable, mortifying and/or horrible position you can think of?  Laying with your legs in stirrups is worse than that.
  20. Oooo-kay, THAT is not comfortable.  REALLY wish you weren’t doing that.
  21. Again, thanks for the small talk while the clamp is being used.  I’m super glad your son is enjoying his first semester back at college.
  22. And we’re done?  EXCELLENT.
  23. See ya in a year, doc.
featured image – The Mindy Project via YouTube