24 Reasons To Hire A Boyfriend For The Summer
1. Because you don’t want to have to deal with all that messiness of actually having feelings for someone, or having to care about their wants and needs in the relationship.
2. With the economy in a downswing, there is no better time to get a good, quality Summer Boyfriend for pennies on the dollar.
3. All of your friends will be incredibly jealous when you roll up in a convertible with your hot new thing about to go shopping like some deleted scene from Clueless.
4. You get to have sex with him on those days when it’s so hot and sunny out that everyone is practically naked and you get super horny for absolutely no reason.
5. He will be required to have air conditioning that works really well, so you can always go to his place for all of that post-sex spooning time.
6. You need someone who is required contractually to compliment you in your bathing suit, no matter how red and sweaty and gross-looking you are, so that you feel extra-good about being at the beach/pool.
7. Summer Boyfriend will come equipped with a mister of cucumber water to keep you fresh, and he knows how to make the perfect vodka pink lemonade.
8. You know that it sucks having to go to all of those summer parties and not having anyone to accompany you so that you can complain about/judge the other party-goers and then return home to have some drunk couple sex.
9. Built-in plus one for wedding season!
10. Everyone deserves to live out the hot, perpetually-shirtless cabana boy trope once in their lifetime. Let it be this summer.
11. In the summer, everything always goes from “this feels awesome” to “get off of me” the second you break a sweat. You want someone who has to go away.
12. The sun makes your brain function at a much lower RPM and thus be incapable of emotional investment.
13. The two of you can throw lavish pool parties by night and he can spend the following morning scooping out used condoms and empty Corona bottles with the pool skimmer while you sleep in.
14. Summer Boyfriend only has two settings: Shirtless and naked.
15. There is no point trolling through the messages on OkCupid only to reject every one of them, when you could simply save up a little extra spending money and put it towards someone who will actually earn their keep.
16. Boyfriends are overrated, but Summer Boyfriends will never disappoint.
17. The best part about a summer fling is the feeling of having complete freedom to do exactly what the two of you want to do together, because summer weather means your actions don’t count. You can’t miss out on that this year.
18. All of your exes will be incredibly jealous because they will not know that you purchased this boyfriend.
19. The only way to really be sure that you’re picking a winner in the boyfriend department is to take someone who has an up-to-date resume and a convincing cover letter with stellar references.
20. Summer Boyfriends know that you are not to be judged when you’re in that “makeup-melting-off-end-of-the-party” stage. He is contractually obligated to still want to have sex with you.
21. Summer Boyfriend never sleeps, only cleans.
22. Having someone who accompanies you to all of your various summer events means having a built-in designated driver so you can get beach wasted at your discretion.
23. All of your friends will want to know where you got him, and you will be able to choose who actually gets his business card.
24. One of the worst things about summer is usually the end-of-season/end-of-vacation breakups that take a huge emotional toll and basically ruin the majority of the coming autumn. This year, just let that contract expire, perhaps give a small bonus for all of his hard work, and send him on his way to find a hot Fall Boyfriend who wears scarves and has feelings. Fall is much better for actually falling in love.
