24 Things You Learn When You Leave Your 20s


As one year prepares to transition into another, and you start thinking about your resolutions (or about being the tool who smugly “doesn’t believe in coming up with resolutions for an arbitrary day”), here are some things you should keep in mind.

1. “Cool” isn’t a thing.

2. Ironic isn’t a style.

3. The more “stylish” an outfit, the more dated it looks to future generations in photos.

4. It’s going to be a bastard trying to justify non-prescription glasses in ten years.

5. You’re not going to be able to justify using “negs.” 

6. That new person in HR is studying for their master’s, allergic to gluten, has a crush on Jennifer Lawrence, tutored kids for free in college, collects one leaf each fall to press in a book, and can really sing “Come on, Eileen.”  They are more than a hot brunette with an ass like ripe nectarine.

7. You’re gaining wisdom, even in your colossal fuck ups. 

8. You don’t know you have wisdom until you actually use it.

9. You’ll realize your “quarter-life crisis” was that you spent so much time thinking and worrying about quarter-life crises.

10. That person you didn’t think you had a shot with? You totally had a shot with. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

11. Sometimes you DO regret the chances you take. But not enough to where it should stop you from trying.

12. In twenty years you’re going to look like an asshole in all the photos of you playing with your phone.

13. Advertisers lie. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

14. Only you give a shit about the name of your generation. Sorry,”millenials.”

15. Very few people have it together any more than you.

16. You should care exactly as much about a celebrity’s love life as they care about yours.

17. You’ll have sex that, in retrospect, makes you cringe. You’ll have sex where the memories make you swoon. Sometimes both will be with the same person. Don’t over think it. Just be safe.

18. The things you’ll look back on from your thirties, that still make you smile, are the things you should be doing now. Good luck guessing which ones they are.

19. The years go by quickly. I know people tell you that, but you should absolutely believe it.

20. You’ll shake your head at the hard-earned money you spent on ridiculous things.

21. You’ll realize that, if given the chance, you’d likely spend it all again.

22. The person whose opinion means so much to you right now that you base huge life decisions around it, will become a name on a Christmas card and condescending newsletter.

23. There’s a song on your ipod or phone that, in twenty years, you’re going to describe to your kids as “a classic.” They will guffaw. The song will immediately transport you back to a different time and fond memories will flood in. This song will probably be by Miley Cyrus. 

24. You’re going to read this list, and then do whatever the hell you want anyway. As you probably should. But some day, you’ll think back and realize it was all true. You’ll try to tell the twenty somethings of the day, but they’ll ignore you too.