25 Daily Thoughts You Have As A Balding 20-Something


Balding is utterly terrifying. Nothing reminds you of your fleeting mortality better than the rapid thinning of your hair, as if it were nature’s way of saying “time’s almost up, buddy!” Middle-aged men cope with it by buying new cars, cheating on their wives, and tossing their money at Rogaine commercials. But when you’re in your 20s, there’s no set way to deal with the existential horror of having your head turn into a sparse, ugly, uninhabitable planet of skin. To my fellow young baldies, may you find some comfort in the fact that you are not alone in thinking these things:

1. What is Danny Devito doing in my mirror?

2. Oh, I must have slept through my 20s and 30s!

3. Which one of my grandparents can I blame for this?

4. If I rub my head, it’s like it’s raining hair! hahaha! *sobs*


6. I should change up my shampoo.

7. I should probably shampoo less.

8. I should never shower again.

9. This expensive pomade is the problem, with all those chemicals and what not!

10. I look like Donald Trump’s pubes. Where is that pomade?

11. Hair plugs can’t be that expensive.

12. Why couldn’t it be a greying thing, like Anderson Cooper?

13. Do men with hair actually worry about the color?

14. That guy on the subway…his hair is GORGEOUS.

15. …what if I scalp him?

16. I need to accept this with grace.

17. Fuck it, I’m wearing a hat forever.

18. Jude Law still gets laid, right?

19. Whatever, dating was a pain in the ass anyway.

20. Maybe I can grow it out like Kill Bill David Carradine?

21. I need to be realistic about this.

22. Maybe I can shave it all off like Kung Fu David Carradine?

23. Hope my boss doesn’t make me take this hat off.

24. Am I older than my boss?

25. I should probably retire.