25 New Things To Worry About When You Worry About “Having It All”

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There’s been a lot of discussion lately about whether or not women can have it all. And yet, despite the volume and frequency of articles on the topic, most of them only barely scrape the surface of what “it all” covers.
This is a grave mistake. You shouldn’t only be panicking about how you’ll manage to combine a satisfying career, a rewarding love life, owning a home, and raising kids—you should also be worrying about how you’re going to get the rest of “it all”! It’s a heady task to take on, but remember: if you don’t have “it all,” you’re an embarrassment to yourself and everyone who has ever cared about you (particularly parents, pets, and exes who have better jobs than you). Avoid that sorry fate and get cracking with this brief (but by no means exhaustive!) listing of some other essential, yet often overlooked, elements of “having it all.”

1. Eleven different pairs of pleather leggings, each slightly different from the others in ways that are nearly imperceptible to the casual viewer.

2. A fresh and nuanced take on Miley Cyrus.

3. A best friend that you can always go to with your problems, at any time.

4. The ability to instantly know whether the word you are trying to spell is “rogue” or “rouge.”

5. A second best friend that you can go to when your first best friend is acting all weird and blowing off your texts and saying some bullshit about being really busy with grad school, when everyone knows she’s hooking up with her ex who is married now and just in town on a business trip, LISA.

6. A complete set of commedia dell’arte masks, including “Scaramouche,” the ne’er-do-well clown.

7. A sunny, yet relaxed, outlook on life

8. The secret of Curly’s gold

9. Spiders

10. A steampunk drawing of the Green M & M wearing leather-and-brass goggles and a bustle.

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11. One gallon of milk (organic).

12. The special edition DVD of “Hansel and Gretel, Witch Hunters.”

13. A small, tasteful vintage hand bell or zither or something that you bought on Etsy and then put on a coffee table surrounded by dried flowers and holy shit it is so classy I am dying.

14. A small, walk-on part in the film version of the musical “Rent” that you don’t go around bragging about or anything, but it did happen, okay, it’s not bragging to just admit that.

15. A bridge

16. A different, slightly larger bridge, for special occasions.

17. A crossbow that Donald Sutherland autographed while on the set of “The Italian Job.”

18. Mastery over at least ONE element (earth, air, fire, water) OR a perfect SAT math score but definitely NOT BOTH (what, do you want to be single forever??)

19. Uranium ore.

20. Nelly Furtado’s phone number, for some reason.

21. Someone else’s children that you found unattended outside of a Rite-Aid–guess what, by law of eminent domain, they are YOURS now!

22. Gargamel.

23. Telekinesis.

24. A decent Pinterest page that is fun and engaging and you don’t have to pressure all your friends to look at it and then get mad at them when they don’t, because it’s just a bunch of pictures of complicated braids that even you don’t fucking know how to do, LISA.

25. The special edition Blu-Ray of “Hansel and Gretel, Witch Hunters” (the deleted scenes are different).