25 Side Effects of Secretly Being An Old Person

1. If it’s after 9 p.m., it’s bedtime.

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2. Or you’re thinking about bedtime.

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3. You have aches.

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4. And complain about them. Often.

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5. You can’t deal with standing at concerts.

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6. Lines? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

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7. Canned soups are your lifeblood.

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8. You find pets…comforting.

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9. You don’t particularly care about being trendy.

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10. Or about spilling things.

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11. Because you spill a lot. Especially on yourself.

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12. You’d rather get a letter in the mail than in your inbox.

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13. You find yourself getting excited or worked up about things like kitchenware.

14. You’re proud that you’re a card-carrying Costco member.

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15. And you think music they play in most stores is too overwhelming.

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16. It’s wine or bust.

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17. Okay, maybe some hard stuff once in a while, but nothing fruity.

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18. If it’s farther than a mile, we’re not walking.

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19. You increasingly get more and more frustrated with new technology.

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20. A day is not successful without a nap.

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21. Kids who make any sort of noise are not your thing.

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22. You become increasingly scared by younger generations.

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23. You find yourself having to defend “real books” constantly.

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24. Though you can be crotchety, you honestly could care less.

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25. Because that’s the perk of being basically 80–you can do whatever the hell you want.

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NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!