25 Signs You’re In A Serious Relationship With Your Phone


1. Checking your phone first thing in the morning before you even fully open your eyes, only to be assaulted with the offensive blue-white light on your poor, unadjusted eyes.

2. Living in a constant state of semi-paralyzing fear that the battery is going to die on you unexpectedly and you’ll basically be living in the Early Pleistocene era.

3. Looking for random locations to stealthily plug in your phone while out and about like some kind of desperate electronic vulture.

4. Gently caressing it/turning it around in your hand absentmindedly as you do other things.

5. Thinking all manner of random sound around you is your phone ringing, even if it’s not even remotely similar to the sound of your actual ringtone.

7. Clogging every manner of social media with heavily-filtered pictures you’ve taken of insignificant things encountered throughout your day. “Look at this: I’m reading a complex, thoughtful novel whilst drinking a warm cup of tea. Look at the warm, nonthreatening sepia wash. I’m basically qualified to serve in the British parliament.”

8. You become “that guy,” the one who spends upwards of 60 percent of social outings flicking around on his/her phone’s screen.

9. You regularly “check-in” at places which are not even in the same galaxy as places which merit telling people you went to.

10. You have extended text conversations with people to avoid having to deal with things IRL.

11. In the absence of a willing conversational partner for your text conversations, you pretend to text with people to avoid having to deal with things IRL.

12. The first thing you do when you arrive in a new place is to check your phone and make sure you’re not missing anything or anyone that could be on the premises (instead of just, you know, looking around for a minute or two).

13. Being on the actual internet (on an actual computer) does not prevent you from supplementing your internet activity with things on your phone.

14. Even on a touch screen, you are pretty much past the point of needing to look down while you type, which seems to defy all laws of human evolution.

15. You barely associate your phone with actual calls anymore, as that seems far too human/real/in-your-face. Your phone is all about sweet, sweet, electronic barriers between people. <3

16. Getting vaguely pissed when you have no new messages or calls after a relatively small amount of time, even though you haven't been expecting anyone.

17. If the laptop is deemed one arm's length too far from you, you will spend the evening on your bed using way-less-convenient mobile versions of websites to do all your various internetting.

18. You break all social codes and occasionally bust it out in a movie theater, even though you know how incredibly obnoxious that shit is for everyone around/behind you. (This, of course, does not stop you from getting all indignant whenever someone else dares to do it.)

19. You openly judge people based on what kind of phone they have. “Oh, my God, does that bitch actually have a Blackberry right now? Oh gurl let me get your PIN so we can have a way to communicate when we time travel back to 2009.”

20. You get incredibly pissy when someone asks to play with your phone while out. It’s basically the equivalent of reaching their hands down your underwear.

21. No one ever believes you if you say you didn’t have your phone on you to answer them quickly — they know you were just busy doing other things and chose not to answer them in a timely fashion.

22. You get irritated when people try to actually reach you directly via phone while you’re in the middle of more important things, such as Tweeting sexy minor celebrities.

23. People don’t even scold you anymore for taking out your phone while out because they know it’s an exercise in futility.

24. There is never a point in the day at which you are not communicating in some fashion with your various social networks, even if only to confirm that you are, in fact, standing in line at Starbucks.

25. If you drop it and crack the screen, your whole world basically comes to a devastating halt.

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