25 Things That Are Better Than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter


1. The Real Abraham Lincoln. He did free the slaves, after all.

2. Whittling. It’s the official pastime of the state of Montana!

3. Good dental hygiene. It’s important to take care of your teeth. Seeing a movie about the Great Emancipator killing vampires is not. Ask any dentist and they’ll tell you.

4. Donating money to the charity of your choice. Take that $15 you planned to spend on a movie and give it to someone who needs it. By the way, my PayPal account is considered a charity.

5. Corgis. Come on, who doesn’t love corgis??????

6. Fictional vampires who aren’t being chased by historical figures. I’m thinking Count Chocula right now.

7. Calling your mother. Guess what, she misses you.

8. Battleship. I mean, it was kinda fun, right? Right? Rihanna looked pretty in it.

9. Frozen yogurt, even if it’s not trendy anymore. It’s still delicious.

10. The word ‘snorkel.’ Say it 5 times in a row, as fast as you can. Trust me.

11. OkCupid. Keep trying. There’s no more crazy people on there than there are in real life. You never know.

12. Earthquake preparedness training. You can never be too careful.

13. MacBook Pro with Retina Display. Dude, this thing is nuts!

14. A sensible dinner. Cut the fast food out of your diet. You’re looking a bit heavy. Also, you don’t have to go to Taco Tuesday at the local Tex-Mex restaurant every week, do you?

15. Universal health care.

16. A firm handshake. Three pumps, don’t linger. Make eye contact.

17. Lena Dunham. I’m really just hoping she reads this.

18. Wimbledon. Once a year, tennis seems kind of interesting for a ‘fortnight.’ For the record, I only know what a ‘fortnight’ is because of Wimbledon. Thanks, Wimbledon!

19. Tim Burton, before Planet of the Apes. Tim Burton used to be great. Batman, Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Now, he produces movies about American Presidents killing vampires with axes.

20. Monogamy. Casual sex stops being fun when you turn 40. Might as well start practicing to get old now.

21. Champagne. It’s important to feel fancy every once and awhile.

22. The letter ‘Q.’ Don’t you get kind of exciting when you see a ‘Q’ in a sentence somewhere? It’s like the “Where’s Waldo?” of letters.

23. Pop Rocks. What happened to Pop Rocks? You know, they were that candy that exploded when you put it in your mouth. I guess ‘exploded’ is an overstatement. They ‘fizzled.’

24. Cuddling. Any kind of cuddling. It could be with your dog, your best friend or your lover. Cuddling is awesome.

25. “Ben Franklin: Zombie Smasher.” It’s a script I wrote sophomore year of high school. Does anyone want to read it?

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