25 Things You Have To Justify to Everyone


I was inspired by an earlier piece — 25 Things You Don’t Have To Justify to Anyone — to develop my own list, in jest.

1. Your new haircut. Seriously, was there a new guy at the salon or…?

2. Your date last night. You probably went too far, and also definitely not far enough.

3. That drink. I didn’t know they made alcoholic hawaiian punch for guys. Oh that’s right, they don’t.

4. Politics and religion. Especially on first dates.

5. Your thread count. At least if you ever want someone in your bed with you.

6. Your sperm count. Samesies.

7. Your ankle tattoo. You thought it was “pretty well hidden” but, well, I’m looking at it right now and it’s not pretty.

8. (For girls) That dress. I mean, you’re kinda asking for sex.

9. (For guys) That shirt. I mean, you’re kinda asking for sex…to never happen.

10. Your corporate job. No, it’s cool bro, those $5 lattes are definitely worth selling your soul for.

11. Your non-corporate job. Keep on keeping on man. It’s cool that you don’t care what society thinks, and also that you’ll never have nice things.

12. Your apartment’s cleanliness. Oh, you weren’t expecting company? Should I come back NEVER?

13. That extra holiday weight. Just kidding, because you’re Santa and bring children happiness. So have another cookie! Oh wait, you’re not Santa at all.

14. That exercise mat that just sits in the corner. “That’s art,” you say. “If I move it it will throw off the feng shui of my place.” That’s not art man. The Mona Lisa is art.

15. Your Nexflix queue. Look, reality TV is fine every once in a while. The point is that your book queue has lots of quality reads. You DO have a book queue, right?

16. That thing you did on your birthday. I really didn’t to bring this one up but, well, people are still talking about it. A lot.

17. That mouse that lives in your wall. Either you have pests or you’re the worst pet owner ever and I’m calling PETA immediately.

18. Whether or not you are married. I’m not judging you on this one. But the world IS judging you on this one. Every. Single. Day.

19. Your appearance. I know, I know – don’t judge a book by its cover. But how else do you know what to read, really?

20. Your income level. This one is really only true if you want to live in a market-based economy. If not, I hear North Korea is nice this time of year!

21. Your SAT score. “It’s just a number,” you might say. Well, the world is just numbers, numbers of atoms, molecules, ect. so get used to it.

22. Your relationship with your parents. It better be good, but not TOO good because that’s weird.

23. That goldfish you killed when you were 8. You thought you could just flush away the memory eh? Nope, unlike a goldfish my memory is longer than 3 seconds.

24. Every brand you’ve ever used at any time ever. Also, any act that any company that owns any of those brands has ever committed. This one is important.

25. What you’re doing RIGHT NOW. It better be important, it better be educational, and it better NOT be wasting time reading stupid articles linked from Facebook!