26 Dates From Hell (As Told By The Survivors)
1. She pulls out a fucking steak knife and tells me I better stay.
“When I was 15-ish my mom’s coworker was saying how she had a daughter my age and how she was saying that she found me attractive and we should hang out. She shows me a picture of her and she was a solid 8/10. Great. She gives me her number, we text a bit and we set up a day to go hang out at a park.
The park was close to my house so I ended up walking and there she is with one of her friends. Right away I notice that they are both high off of something. Like, really high. Also her selfie skills must have been insane because she went from an 8/10 to a 3/10 at best.
I didn’t want to be rude so I stayed and tried to talk a bit we said our hellos and such. And then they start to resume a conversation they were having before I showed up. She was telling her friend about all the drugs she had taken the weekend before and how she thought she miscarried her baby and her last orgy and all of this crazy shit. So I’m just standing there not saying a word and she goes, ‘Hey you’re really quiet, you ok?’ And I’m like bitch you’re talking about shooting up and getting gang banged, I don’t have much to say!
After a while a family comes to the park. A couple and their maybe 7-year-old son. This kid made the poor decision to play on the same play set that we were on. As he’s climbing up the ladder to the top, she decides to yank him up by the arms and then push him down the slide hard af. I’m completely lost for words because his little ass is tumbling sideways down this rackety slide and his parents are looking up at me like wtf. I kind of just shrugged it off to them and told the girls I had to go.
If you thought the craziest part was over, bitch, you’re wrong. After telling her I was leaving she decides that wasn’t the right choice for me to make. She pulls out a fucking steak knife and tells me I better stay. I was like nah. I ran as fast as I ever have in my 15 years on earth. No way was I getting stabbed by some druggie orgy addict on a play set. I’m not going out like that. I look back and the parents are yelling loud af at her and they’re both crying and I don’t even know what happened to them at all.
I got back home and my mom asked how it went and I just told her to never let her friends try to set me up with anyone ever again.”
2. A few minutes later I received a video of her slashing her wrists.
“Let me start by stating I’m a male.
So I was stationed in Iwakuni Japan, which is a rural town 40 minutes south of Hiroshima. After eating at the chow hall for over a year without a date, I asked one of the chow hall ladies out. She was a local and spoke relatively decent English.
She ended up driving me to a local restaurant that serves gyoza, which is a Japanese dumpling. She bought me 12. We talked, laughed, and all around had a great time. I ate 6 and brought 6 back to base to eat later.
So I give her a hug and go back to my room. A fellow female sergeant hits me up to watch a movie. We settle down and I split my gyoza with her. I get a text a few minutes later screaming at me to the accord of ‘HOW DARE YOU SHARE THE GYOZA I BOUGHT YOU WITH HER?’ The thing was…I had my blinds pulled and I hadn’t talked to her since I left.
Over the course of the next week, she stalked me to work and then watched my barracks room window. I told my command and we ended up getting a restraining order.. But since she worked on base, she now lost her job as well as me.
A few days later she messages me from a non blocked number threatening to kill herself if I didn’t date her. I figured she was crazy enough to do it. Those were the most stressful days of my life.. But finally I broke and called her bluff. A few minutes later I received a video of her slashing her wrists.
In the end, I got a Japanese speaking friend of mine to contact that emergency responders and they saved her life. She cut so deep on her left hand that she never recovered function of it. She is now disabled and had to move in with her parents and has no future prospects.
Those 6 gyoza and my one date ruined her life.”
3. It was a blind date—and she was actually blind.
“I once had a blind date that I met online. I get to the place, she’s at a table already, were talking a but something seems a little off. Shortly after, another girl comes by and says hello, apparently they are friends. A little strange, but no big deal, maybe just a coincidence. A few minutes later her phone beeps, and she picks it up and puts it like 1 inch from her face.
She then tells me thats she is legally blind. The ‘friend’ that came by was actually acting as her handler, who drove her there.
I stayed for a drink and made conversation because I’d feel bad about leaving as soon as she told me that, but politely left shortly after.
TL;Dr had an ACTUAL blind date.”
4. The Ski Slope Shitter.
“I have been on many unfortunate dates; choosing which to share here has been an embarrassing trip down memory lane. Do I pick the poor boring guy I accidentally followed home? Mild Salsa Brian? The shart incident? A guy who went by ‘Uno’ due to testicular cancer and drove us into oncoming traffic?
The worst overall was probably The Ski Slope Shitter. He was (probably still is) the brother of a local celebrity who I had a thing for, and we met through said brother’s social media. We met up for some skiing, but because his pals were there, I somehow got shuffled into babysitting a stranger’s kids. Children in tow, I got to watch him ski jump sleeveless with beer in hand, which was mildly impressive, but should have been the end of the encounter. Later I had to deal with smuggling a gigantic dog into my pet-free apartment, whiskey dick, and having to drive a 30-year-old man 45 miles back to his parents’ house…just to return to my place, where I got to clean up his copious amounts of ferocious beer shits. I never contacted him again, but for months afterwards he sent me pictures of myself from the day that I was unaware he had taken.”
5. I bought whippets for my heroin addict date, then went to visit her boyfriend in rehab.
“I was set up with this girl I’ll call Cassidy, because that might have been her name, I don’t remember.
Anyway, Cassidy was friends with my friend’s girlfriend who had been trying to set us up for a while. I was desperate at the time so when the opportunity arose I jumped on it.
I picked her up from her house, and hey, she’s really cute, so far so good. We start talking and within five minutes she has told me that she is a recovering heroin addict and has done some bad things, but she wants me to know how sweet she is and how it’s all in the past (she didn’t say how far in the past, but made it sound like it had been a while). Oh, and she does still smoke weed and wants to go to a head shop. Well, since we were heading downtown anyway, and because I always like to impress, I decided to take her to the fanciest head shop in town, a place where only the most esteemed stoners shop. We get there and she skips all the weed stuff and goes straight for the crack pipes and whippets, and then decides to get a whippet rig and and a bunch of cartridges, and oops, she forgot her money so now I’m buying whippets for a recovering heroin addict (again at this point I thought she had been off the heavy stuff for a while and whippets are quasi-legal, and also did I mention I was desperate?).
We walk back to the car and I suggest we grab lunch in uptown, but she asks if we can first visit her friend in a nearby hospital because she doesn’t have a car and has been unable to see him. I thought ‘hey, maybe she is as nice as she says, and I’m sure her friend would appreciate it.’ So we get to the hospital and are waiting in the lobby for a while before a guy comes out in regular clothes, looking somewhat pale and scrawny, but otherwise healthy. He walks almost up to Cassidy before she notices him, then she jumps up and gives him a big hug and kiss. It turns out that this friend is her boyfriend, the ‘hospital’ is a rehab facility where he is recovering from heroin, and the sight of me and his girlfriend dressed up for a date with one another is making this person uneasy.
We all go outside where the two of them start to smoke Camels, and I proceed to watch this dude become more and more tense as his girlfriend sits closer to me than to him and engages both of us with the same flirty familiarity. After twenty minutes of this and going on 2 hours wasted with this person who I have no words for, I pull the plug and tell her that I have something I forgot about and will have to drop her off at my friend’s house, where his gf will pick her up.
I get to my friend’s house and his gf and the mess leave, but without the whippets, so I proceed to bask in shock at the poor taste in women my friend’s gf has as we do whippets and play games.
TL;DR bought whippets for my heroin addict date, then went to visit her boyfriend in rehab.”
6. She had a full-on chin beard and the personality of a wet dishcloth.
“Went on a Tinder date and got catfished, badly. Before meeting she seemed sound: smart, funny and attractive. Went to meet her and she was insanely overweight, literally had a full-on chin beard and the personality of a wet dishcloth.
I’m not a shallow guy but, come on, don’t insult my optical dexterity and assume that I’m not going to notice the 8 stone of weight you’d gained since your pictures were taken.
As a guy it is an awkward situation to be in and I’m someone who doesn’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Literally just let her buy me a drink for the inconvenience and then told her I had to leave.”
7. He starts a sentence with, ‘Well, first we’ll go to my place and fuck, and then we…’
“Met a guy on match.com. We flirted for a few weeks, texting and calling, till I had a free day and we went to brunch.
Brunch was tasty, and we seemed to be hitting it off, until midway through the meal. We were saying we didn’t want the date to end after brunch and we’re trying to think of a fun thing to do next.
He starts a sentence with, ‘Well, first we’ll go to my place and fuck, and then we…’
I laugh, but I have no problem telling him that I have no intention of sleeping with him on this particular date.
Look, I’ll be honest. I’ve certainly slept with partners on the first date. And I thought this guy was handsome; I found him attractive. And he seemed like someone I might like to ‘date,’ potentially, which was our stated intention looking for people online. Not marriage or something, necessarily, but also explicitly not just meeting for sex or whatnot. Honestly, much of the reason I didn’t plan on screwing him on the first date was that I felt sure there would be a second. And so his response was especially odd.
He started—in a public place, mind you, a nice restaurant, just saying, ‘WHY?’ Over and over. Like a toddler. This man is a 50-something professional. But once he stopped with ‘why,’ he went on to pull out his phone, where we had texted flirtatious things, and angrily read a selection of mine, punctuating each with ‘sounds like you would come home with me here!’ and ‘you seem pretty willing there!’ And similar. He told me I had deceived myself into thinking I was an intellectual (yeah, I don’t know either), when all I was was an uptight, frigid bitch, and that he had always intended to pay for my meal (yes, in that order, and yes, i am being 100% honest).
I laughed in his face and went home.
But I actually cried when I got there, a little, not so much because of the particulars but because when I was 20 I sometimes let myself get bullied into sex, just to shut people like that up. But then I cheered up a little, since my only response now was to laugh and leave.
It’s not like it ruined dating for me or anything, but it has made it harder to muster up the desire to shave my legs before a date lately.”
8. She was the most unfortunate-looking creature I’d ever seen.
“I had a blind date in the earlier days of Internet dating, when having a picture of yourself online was fairly uncommon. Still, I’d done it before and had met up with pretty attractive women so I was feeling lucky. The luck ended with Julie.
She gave me horrible directions to where she lived and I almost bailed after driving around aimlessly for 45 minutes, but eventually I did find the small college she went to and her dorm. When we met, bless her heart, she was the most unfortunate-looking creature I’d ever seen. Skinny but with wide hips, white girl Afro, old lady glasses, braces, and bad skin. And she was wearing kind of a lime green pantsuit.
The date itself was OK, but I knew it wasn’t going to go further than that. Still at the end I went in for a hug and ended up with a handshake…ouch.
Unfortunately that was not the end. As I was driving home my front tire had a major blow up and I ended up skidding all over the road on what is usually a very busy highway. Fortunately I didn’t hit anyone, but my tire was shredded all over the road and I had rim damage. I ended up having to wait until 3 in the morning at a shitty strip mall for a tow to pick me up. I told her about that the next day, and she mentioned she had a jealous ex that had been known to puncture people’s tires…”
9. She then starts convulsing and looks like she’s seizing, so now I think she’s dying.
“So I had met this girl through Tinder, so you know it’s going to go well right off the bat. Our first date had gone well and I was pretty much thinking 100% with my dick at this point. We decide to go to a park to be all up in nature n shit. Well not two minutes into the date we come across this steep drop off hill. It’s steep enough to have its own set of stairs, but guess with dis dumb ass bitch do? Runs full speed down it at roughly mach 5. Me being the gentleman I am, I take off after her. I manage to not eat shit but she’s not so lucky. She plants it face-first into the ground hard and knocks herself out cold. I start trying to wake her up while thinking fml. But it just gets better, she then starts convulsing and looks like she’s seizing, so now I think she’s dying. I start dialing 911 and right as I hit call, her dumb ass wakes up and says ‘woah that was a crazy dream.’ Immediately drove her home and didn’t ever see her again. On Facebook, however, 6 months later she proclaimed she was pregnant and marrying the baby daddy so I can safely say I dodged the biggest bullet of all bullets.”
10. He left me to walk back to my car at the back of the parking lot in the cold, pouring rain.
“It was my second date with this guy. He was a fitness trainer at a chain that had just moved into my area. He was also at the time trying to set up his own online business on the side.
We meet up at the movie theater, sit down, and he immediately says, ‘Well, I got fired today!’ He goes on to explain that he put his name on the website before he was ready to go live and his manager found it. So not the best start to a date. We watch the movie, it was a place that served food and drinks as well. I cover everything because I feel bad for the guy.
We get outside and it’s about 9:15 at night, cold and pouring down rain. He managed to find a spot right up front and I walk him over to his car. We talk for a bit and then he tries to get me out into the rain. We go back and forth a bit, me saying no because I don’t want to get wet. He finally just grabs me and kisses me in the rain. Then immediately says, ‘Bye, text me when you get home!’ And hops in his car. Leaving me to walk back to my car at the back of the parking lot in the cold, pouring rain.
I did not text him.”
11. ‘Did the Virgin Mary really happen? God must have been a good lay.’
“Tinder date. It was obvious that all her pictures were old, but I figured no reason to be rude and leave, I’d just have a nice couple of drinks and then head out. From that moment on, the most bizarre random streams of consciousness begin to escape her lips.
‘Did the Virgin Mary really happen? God must have been a good lay.’
She drank wine with one of those mini cocktail straws.
‘I have slept with 2 guys from Hoobastank. I don’t know which ones, I’ve never heard their music.’
‘Do you think they have any Snickers behind the bar?’
‘I’m part Asian, it’s impossible for me to get drunk.’
‘I like to stay on the toilet after I’m done pooping until my legs fall asleep so I can really understand how quadriplegics feel.’ ………
(Waiting to order) ‘Should we try to get his attention? I don’t want to be a nigger about it…’
And that’s when I excused myself. I had 2 Scotches by that point and gave no fucks about leaving that woman to pay for them.”
12. She said all men were radioactive and she could have gotten pregnant from the radiation.
“Had a fairly normal date with a fairly normal woman. Brought her home, had mutual agreement on a second date, yadda yadda.
Two days later she texts me, saying she’s pregnant and it’s from me. We didn’t even go first base, so it comes as a bit of a shock, so to say. When I ask her about how I would have possibly done that, she said all men were radioactive (true to some extent) and she could have gotten pregnant from the radiation.
So just in case, I showed to the second date—you’ll understand why there was one in a second—bright-eyed, bushy tailed and whatnot. Wearing a (fake) HazMat suit.
Never heard from her again.”
13. Picture this beautiful, tall, redheaded girl with snot, puke, and tears just oozing from her face while loudly sobbing she’s sorry for 20 minutes.
“So I met a very tall girl at a show, I’m 6 ft, she is 6’3″. We hit it off and end up going on a date the next week. She drives us to a friend’s show and at the time is under 21 but knows the door guy so she gets in. Of course being under 21 she orders a Long Island. For those that don’t know it is one of the strongest cocktails out there and pure evil. We are having a great time until I realize that she is about 4 Long Islands deep and wasted, all 6’3″ of her. I get her outside and have to get her keys and then get her into the car, we end up going back to my house since I don’t know where she lives and she’s too drunk to explain. I get her some chicken nuggets and then she passes out for the ride, now I’m home and I have to get her inside my place, wasn’t too hard actually because she came to after some encouragement. Now the fun begins. I get her to my room and she plops onto my giant bed and is out like a light. Whew. Bullet dodged, right? Nope. I go to get her water and as I walk into my room I’m hit with the funk of 1000 liquors and immediately notice that she has puked all over my bed and all in her hair. It was mostly liquid with bits of chicken nuggets in it. Awesome. Well, what do I do now? Can’t let her sleep in her own puke so I wake her drunk ass up. I have to half-drag her tall ass to my bathroom and clean her hair up. I basically put her top half in my shower, shirt and all, and just turned the water on. She starts screaming because it’s cold but I’m also trying to wake her up a bit. Got the tendies and booze out of her hair and she crawls over to the toilet to puke some more. The next 20 minutes is her crying and puking and saying she’s sorry and that I’m going to hate her. It’s really loud, too. So picture this beautiful, tall, redheaded girl with snot, puke, and tears just oozing from her face while loudly sobbing she’s sorry for 20 minutes. Eventually she stops and I go to get her more water, I think getting water is where the magic happens because when I return she is naked from the waist down and out cold. Can’t let her sleep on my bathroom floor so I clean/flip my mattress, change the sheets, and drag her back to my room, full on dead weight this time, not easy. We wake up the next day and laugh about it. I ended up dating her for almost 2 years. That was 12 years ago and we’re still friends and talk from time to time. The end.
TL;DR first date, tall girl, Long Islands, puked all over herself and my bed, Weekend at Bernie’s her ass around my house, crying, relationship followed.
14. She then proceeded to spend a long time telling me all about the benefits of horse semen versus turtle semen.
“Met up with a girl from Tinder. We’d been talking for a few hours and she seemed cool. I complained I had nothing to do that night and she invited me out. Score! Well…
I met her at a bus stop. When she got off the bus she seemed awkward. We had an awkward hug. We walked for a bit and got ice cream. It was going OK.
I asked her what TV she likes. She didn’t like or watch any TV. OK that’s cool, some people don’t do TV. I asked what movies and books she likes. Same answer again. Doesn’t like movies or books. Or video games. Or alcohol.
I asked her if she had any hobbies. Yes, she loved the shit out of knitting! And studied. A lot. What did she study?
Semen.
Animal semen.
…and she then proceeded to spend a long time telling me all about the benefits of horse semen versus turtle semen.”
15. From the moment I sat down, she did not stop talking.
“Met her on Tinder. She seemed really chill and cool. Bit of a hippie vibe. We decide to meet at a bar she likes to go to.
She got there first and had a table. I walked in and she waved me over. From the moment I sat down, she did not stop talking. Total motor mouth. I figured it was nerves or whatever, sometime people get chatty when nervous. I order one drink. She orders several and proceeds to get pretty drunk. Only time she stops talking is when she takes a drink. She orders a burger. I wasn’t hungry, and she’s still chatting away through her burger. I barely get any words in. It’s mostly me just listening to her. Great things like her bitching about how her boss only started the business bc they got sold a franchise in a slick sales pitch, and they have zero experience running a business. So they have no idea what they are doing so they are assholes.
She can’t keep a job longer than 2 months because fuck ‘em, right?
Her ex-boyfriend was an avid meth user for 2 years, and she was too, and had only recently quit smoking meth.
This next part isn’t her fault, but due to some surgery when she was a kid, she talked in a soft raspy whisper voice. Im partially deaf in one ear due to a motorcycle accident, which made listening to her in a bar extremely difficult.”
16. First and only date that ended with me having a panic attack.
“A guy took me to what he thought would be a very romantic place—a butterfly gallery. There are dozens of all kinds of butterflies flying around, it’s all fancy and he rented it from like 8pm to 10pm so there were no people except for us and a member of staff. Dimmed lights, candles, dinner…very cool and romantic except for one detail. Butterflies are my worst fear. First and only date that ended with me having a panic attack.”
17. Halfway through the coffee date she pulls out Herbalife samples and tries to get me to buy them.
“Went on a date from Tinder and halfway through the coffee date she pulls out Herbalife samples and tries to get me to buy them and if I wanted to I could also start selling Herbalife…I went to a sales pitch and bought the coffee.”
18. She looked at me coldly and said, ‘I’m a vegan. I don’t eat meat.’
“Before I start: I like vegans.
I met this girl through a friend. She was a blonde white girl who just moved back from teaching in Japan. We hit it off, and I asked her to dinner. She seemed very nice.
I asked her where she would like to go and she said she loved sushi. We went to a nice sushi place in town, and it started out great.
We ordered from the menu, and she told me to order first because she wasn’t sure. I ordered a Philly roll, but when the waiter asked her for her order, she put down the menu and ordered a small bowl of miso soup. I was a little baffled and asked her if she was interested in anything else (she had mentioned she was hungry.)
She looked at me coldly and said, ‘I’m a vegan. I don’t eat meat.’
I was dumbstruck. I told her we could cancel the orders and go somewhere else, but she refused. She then used the time between our ordering and the food arrival to lecture me on the evils of meat eating, and how fish feel pain and are tortured for their meat in sushi.
It was miserable. I tried to ask her about herself, but she kept redirecting it back to her vegan beliefs, with increasingly cold responses, turning into straight-up rudeness and condescension.
The food arrived, and I ate it quietly, feeling waves of judgement and scowls from her as she ate her miso soup. She even mentioned that the fish eggs on some of the rolls were dead fish embryos who felt pain as they died.
I had enough, and asked her how her miso soup tasted. She gave a huff and said ‘bland.’ However I asked her, ‘doesn’t miso soup come from fish?’ That soup was specifically not vegetarian, they did not serve vegan food there, at all.
She looked down in horror at her bowl and realized she might be eating parts of her fishy friends. Her condescension transformed into silent horror as she put down her bowl and crossed her arms.
I paid for my own food and did not pay for hers. To this day, I cannot figure out why she, having worked in Japan, wanted to go to a sushi restaurant that did not cater to vegans. She baffles me.
TL;DR: I landed a date with a girl who chose a sushi restaurant and waited till we ordered to tell me she was vegan and began vegan preaching as she ate fish soup.
I like vegans, but I don’t like preachy people.”
19. She took me to an Amway sales meeting/pep rally/cult ceremony. With her parents, no less.
“A girl I was dating took me to an Amway sales meeting/pep rally/cult ceremony. With her parents, no less.
20. I don’t think I was able to say more than three sentences the whole time.
“When I was 19 years old, I was randomly partnered up with a 20-year-old guy for one of my college lab classes. We started talking and discovered that we had a lot in common. After a couple of labs together, he asked me out on a date. I said yes. He excitedly talked about our upcoming date for days, promising to take me someplace really special.
He ended up driving me to the nearby section of town where he had lived with his parents while he went to high school. Then he proceeded to cruise slowly from street to street, pointing at different houses along the way and telling me fascinating minutiae such as, ‘Chris lived there!’ (without telling me who Chris is) or ‘That’s where I lost my virginity!’ or ‘I never really knew the people who lived there, but I ding dong ditched them one time and it was funny.’ All in all, it was three-hour, brain-numbingly comprehensive tour of the neighborhood that he had moved out from only the year before.
And that was the entire date. He talked so much about himself nonstop that I don’t think I was able to say more than three sentences the whole time. Well, four, really: After he drove me home, he asked if he could come in, and I said, ‘No.’”
21. He told me how he was a dominant guy, and that was the natural order of things, for the guy to be in charge.
“The guy would not stop talking.
We met for dinner, I said hello, and could not get a word in after that.
I ordered my food, he was still talking.
My food came, he was still talking.
I finished my food, the waiter came and took it away. His plate was untouched. He was still talking.
He was rambling on and on, following different tangents, about the most ridiculous stuff. He told me how he and his friends made a bet about who could have sex with more girls in one week, and he won by sleeping with seventeen. He told me how he was a dominant guy, and that was the natural order of things, for the guy to be in charge. He told me multiple stories about getting into fights to defend his pride.
He told me he could fuck any girl he wanted, but fucking tons of girls wasn’t fulfilling anymore, and that’s why he turned to online dating, for a more meaningful connection.
FINALLY, long after I’ve finished dinner, he pauses long enough for me to get a word in. I tell him that the amount he has been talking is insane and note that he hasn’t asked me a single question.
He laughs and tells me that last week a girl walked out on him in the middle of the date because she thought he was talking too much. He then explains that a first date is like the first day of class. The first day is a lecture, where the professor introduces himself and tells students what to expect from the class. Now that he’s done with his lecture on what to expect from him, I can ask questions.
Yep. After all that, I was allowed to ask HIM questions so he could tell me more about himself.”
22. The one story that stands out most is how her and her ex would get really drunk and have sex and she’d pass out and how he’d let his friends bang her.
“Let’s see, right before I met my future wife I went on several not-so-great dates between 2005 and 2007. The worst, though…
I met this girl through MySpace (yup, back in the before), she was in my hometown and around my age (26ish at the time) and cute. We talked for a few days and decide to meet at a local bar on a Friday for Happy Hour.
We meet, she is cute (nice), and she seems instantly attracted to me. We get a round. Talk, get to know each other, get another. Rinse and repeat.
Now, I can hold my booze, and she seemed to be able to as well. Then she started telling stories about her life and school, and then out of nowhere they turned sexual, really sexual, and then her words started to slur—badly… The one story that stands out most is how her and her ex would get really drunk and have sex and she’d pass out and how he’d let his friends bang her, which she thought was fun cos they were cute but she wasn’t sure how many guys he let do this coz she was pretty wasted and she wasn’t sure if they used condoms…WOW.
Right…Check, please.
So I tell her I gotta meet some friends and gotta go soon, how are you getting home?
‘Oh, driving.’
HAHAHA nope, shit. Now what?
So I walk her to her car and sit her in her passenger seat, and get behind her wheel (ya I’ve had a few, and ya, not super smart, but I like I said I can hold my liquor and we’ve only had maybe 3 beers and a shot). I call a friend and tell him I gotta take some drunk girl home, can you pick me up since I was meeting him at that same bar later that night anyway.
As I’m on the phone, with some sort of super speed reflexes, my dick is suddenly in her mouth. (I mean, why stop the inevitable?)
I’m a nice guy, but I mean, but a blowjob is a blowjob.
Right as a finish….she passes out…in my crotch with my…ya…drooling. (My own fault here, hindsight and all). Also, I hadn’t gotten her address yet.
So I prop her up, dig through her phone’s contacts, find the 1st female, call, her report the basics (leaving out details)—please give me her address or pick her up. The response?
‘Just leave her, let her sleep it off, my sister will be fine.’
O….k.
I’m out. Put her keys in the glove box (let her sober up looking for them) get in my car, drive home to shower and do some laundry. Also block her on MySpace.
Never heard from her again.
I did go back to that bar later that night. He car was there. She was not… She’s fine now, but I never learned what she ended up doing or anything. I saw her on Facebook a year or 2 back. Has 2 kids. Single.
Bullet dodged.”
23. I was just beginning to zone out when I hear the magic words: ‘I don’t like Asians.’
“This just happened a few days ago, so great timing.
Recent breakup, so I wasn’t looking to date for a little while. Then I’m at my tennis league match, and this woman with a body to die for walks past. All of the guys perk up and take notice. She looked vaguely familiar to me, and with a little investigation, it turns out she was a Bumble match of mine from months earlier but we’d never met up in person.
I’d talk to her, but she’s playing a match now, and I’m about to go on. So I download Bumble on the spot and message her. Go out to play my match, and while I’m playing, I see her leave. A few hours later, she messages me back, and we get to talking. Exchange numbers, agree to meet up the next day. I’d heard she was into politics, so I figured what the heck and asked her: ‘What are your thoughts on Trump for president?’ She responds: ‘I love him, I’m a huge supporter.’
Normally I’d have just canceled right then and there, but… I’m not at all invested, and I felt like this could be interesting. So I keep the date.
Oh. My. God. Girl shows up in a white skirt, and a white tank top that is skin tight and all of her assets are on great display. And assets they are. Only problem is, the white highlights the fact that her skin has a bit of an orange hue to it. Huh. We sit down, start talking. This woman is boring. I mean the single most boring person I’ve ever been on a date with. All she does is work, play tennis for fitness and lay out. Does she travel? Only to Cancun so she can…lay out. The orange is starting to make sense now.
She talks and talks and talks about her work. I’m sitting there nodding, making small comments occasionally. I was just beginning to zone out when I hear the magic words: ‘I don’t like Asians.’
I freeze, and in my brain I’m quickly trying to recall the most recent stream of conversation to put this in context. Were we talking about cars? As in she doesn’t like Asian cars? Nope. In fact, this seems to have come out of the blue. She must have seen my blank look because she quickly qualified it:
‘I don’t mind Asian men too much, but I can’t stand Asian women. They’re like rice to me.’
Mind you, we’re sitting in the middle of the Asian restaurant she had picked for lunch, and walking around between the tables are three or four female Asian waitresses.
I point dumbfoundedly at her plate, which conveniently had rice on it. ‘Like rice?’ I ask.
‘No, like rags.’ She corrects me. Because that makes it better. ‘They’re like rags to me, not like real people.’
Check, please.”
24. No, it wasn’t an open marriage. No, they weren’t separated. She just habitually cheats and doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
“I was on a second date with a very attractive, late 20s woman. We had hit it off really well during the first coffee/drinks type date and decided to do the fancy dinner as a second one.
Things went awesome. Talks and laughs were had, and she made it clear that she was DTF. Awesome, right?
About halfway through, she got a call and stepped away from the table to take it. I’m not mad, because she has a job (can’t remember what) where she’s on-call. Plus that was the first time she pulled out her phone in front of me, which is pretty impressive in today’s dating world.
When she got back to the table I asked of everything was okay or if she had to go. Her exact reply was, ‘Oh, it wasn’t important, it was just my husband.’
Real quick I tried to clarify. No, it wasn’t an open marriage. No, they weren’t separated. She just habitually cheats and doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
I paid my half and noped out.”
25. He’s still not getting the hint and he starts playing with my hair.
“I once dated a guy who for the life of him couldn’t get the hint that he was coming on too heavy. First he started regaling me in this nonstop monologue about his stand-up comedy routine. Then he started telling me about the arcade we were in and how he always took girls here on his first date. Next think I know he’s asking me what I like in men in terms of appearance and whether I like men with long hair like he did. No matter how much I avoid answering the question, he keeps asking it. And when I subtly hint that I’m uncomfortable by starting to fucking read a book, he’s still not getting the hint and he starts playing with my hair.
The kicker is that I have high functioning autism and already knew this is not how you date a girl, even when she isn’t autistic. Think about what that says about him.”
26. I wonder how many lap dances/drinks she got before she realized I wasn’t coming back.
“I met a lady on Tinder, and for our first date offered to buy her a book. (I find this is a fantastic move.) When we met I came to the conclusion that she had used old pictures and was much MUCH bigger then she had advertised on Tinder. I didn’t want to destroy her confidence by bailing (I’m nice like that sometimes) so she said lets go to this bar that does these desserts. I go and I start sucking back the booze. She’s going off on all sorts of weird stuff, then tells me she wants to be a stripper because they make such good money. This woman was quite overweight—I feel I need to mention that again. She tells me that she wants to go to a strip club right now with me to talk to a stripper. By this time I’m quite buzzed. So my morbid curiosity got the better of me. We go to the strip club…after I pay for the two desserts. She starts ordering shots (also on my dime according to her) then this lovely young lady who went out of her way to be nice and answer all of her questions sells her on some lap dances. My date walks over to me and tells me that I’m paying for that too, and after we’re done there we’re going to the male strip club since apparently ‘I got mine’ by going to the lady strip club. At this point I realize I have let this go way too far. The stripper takes us downstairs and asks for a $40.00 cover just to get down stairs. I tell both my date and the stripper that I left my credit card upstairs at the bar and I should settle up with them first. I went upstairs, paid for my drinks then bailed. I unmatched her on the sidewalk before the door to the bar had finished closing. To this day I wonder how many lap dances/drinks she got before she realized I wasn’t coming back.”