27 Situations In Which I’ve Been Robbed Of My Ability To Even
By Lance Pauker
1. Whenever I order food, and the food is 3 minutes late than the estimated delivery time.
2. Anytime Matthew McConaughey pets a bunch of puppies.
3. Whenever someone tells an entertaining story, and then continues telling it even though I’ve said the phrases No… and STOP IT.
4. Anytime I see an article about signs that you are from Oregon, and I happen to be from Oregon.
5. Whenever the words GIF and Herman Cain are used in the same sentence.
6. Anytime it’s a Tuesday, but it’s a really long Tuesday and Friday seems further away than usual.
7. Whenever I find out that the ambiguous green juice I’ve been spending all my money on actually isn’t as good for me as I thought it was.
8. Whenever I leave the party early, only to find out that Young Jeezy made a surprise appearance and took a bunch of selfies with Brett that I totally would’ve been in.
9. That time Kevin Spacey did a Frank Underwood impression in real life.
10. Anytime someone I already liked to begin with makes a Horace Slughorn reference.
11. Anytime I schedule brunch, but then Molly schedules brunch at the same time — clearly knowing about my brunch.
12. Anytime Scott Disick breathes.
13. Whenever Susie is dating someone and I’m not. (I know, I know…but Susie?)
14. Whenever anyone says the words True Detective, and doesn’t exhibit a radical upswing in enthusiasm.
15. Anytime someone on the internet who’ve I’ve never met in person — and really have no idea where they’re coming from — says something that doesn’t coincide with my viewpoint.
16. Anytime my commute is slightly more inconvenient than it usually is.
17. Anytime someone in pop culture who I admire does something that could be considered “basic.”
18. Anytime I complete an elaborate lab experiment for my college chemistry class, and the solution turns out to be “basic.”
19. Whenever I remember that Oreos exist.
20. Whenever I drank alcohol the night before, and someone asks me if I want to go to the park.
21. Whenever a superior at work kindly reminds me to perform the task I’m being paid to perform.
22. Whenever the bag of chips has way too much air and not enough chips.
23. Whenever there’s an article about the signs you are Hugh Jackman eating avocados, but the points are clearly more catered to people who are Hugh Jackman eating grapes.
24. Whenever a website I’m on stops working for 7 minutes, and then operates without incident for 157 days straight.
25. Anytime I hear the phrase “Pumpkin Spice,” and it’s not between the dates of August 26th and November 28th.
26. Anytime someone doesn’t become an instant puddle of tears upon reading a John Green quote.
27. Anytime someone dares to talk during Pretty Little Liars.