27 Tracy Jordan Quotes That Will Make You Laugh No Matter What Mood You’re In
By Kim Quindlen
1.
“Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.”
2.
“I don’t need a birthday, ’cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they’re often a surprise.”
3.
[Flirting advice] “Tell her that you want your privates and her privates to do a high five.”
4.
“Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn’t do safety schools.”
5.
[Speaking to a bird on the sidewalk] “Stop eating people’s old French fries, pigeon. Have some self respect! Don’t you know you can fly?”
6.
“I wonder if they give awards for tarantula displacement?”
7.
“The holidays without drinkin’ is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife’s sister ain’t as cute as I though she was and I can not play the guitar.”
8.
“Florida – the penis of America!”
9.
“My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, ’cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.”
10.
“You don’t have to thank me, Lemon. We’re a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken, and a chicken container.”
11.
“You know how pissed off I was when U.S. Weekly said that I was on crack? That’s racist! I’m not on crack – I’m straight-up mentally ill!”
12.
[Crowd booing] “Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you are not ghosts.”
13.
“I’m whipped. [My wife] got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know in the morning they got food, TV, almost everything? It’s pretty good.”
14.
“I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial, cause that year someone had spread a rumor that she was gonna slip out of her toga, and I wanted to see some green boobies.”
15.
“A book hasn’t given me this much trouble since Waldo went to that barber pole factory.”
16.
“Live every week like it’s shark week.”
17.
Jenna: “Acting is about consistency and control.”
Tracy: “Got it. No farting.”
18.
“I’m gonna have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.”
19.
“What is this, Horse-ville? ‘Cause I am surrounded by nay-sayers! Wordplay!”
20.
“I don’t get why people like brunch. What’s the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?”
21.
“I love my wife. I want her to be happy. But more than that, I want to do nothing.”
22.
“I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win World Record for biggest mirror.”
23.
“I’m not going to rehearse. I’m going to get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet.”
24.
“Thanks, Jack, for coming to this emergency meeting. I’m sorry I’m four hours late, but my alarm clock didn’t go off because it died in a cock fight last night.”
25.
Tracy: “I’ve poured more cash into Donald’s restaurant than my money pit in Connecticut.”
Jack: “You have a house in Connecticut?”
Tracy: “No, I do not.”
26.
“If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary will read ‘Oscar-Winner’ instead of ‘Children’s Soccer Heckler.'”
27.
“I yelled ‘bababooey’ at Walter Cronkite’s funeral, so I actually have no idea of what’s rude or not.”