28 Important Things I’ve Learned In The Past 28 Years


1. Plans Change. According to the plans I made in my early 20s, I should be a home owning lawyer with a one year old child and a husband right now. The reality is I’m about as close to living a directly opposing life to that as is humanly possible. Cue ironic laughter. Things don’t always work out the way you planned them, and not just big life stuff–sometimes you will be handed a crusty Big Mac, when all you really wanted was a fresh, warm, oily one. Roll with the punches.

2. It’s Not Personal. Nothing anyone ever does to you is a reflection on you. When people are nasty to you, it’s because of something inside them. When people fob you off, or are blasé or rude; it’s all because they’ve got their own things going on. Not everything is about you, even if on the surface it might seem that way.

3. Everyone Can Go Fuck Themselves. Seriously. Life’s too short to take undeserved shit from people. Make self-respect a priority, and don’t ever feel like you’re somehow lacking and therefore shouldn’t expect respect from others.

4. Cake Definitely Tastes Better Than Skinny Feels. OH GOD JUST EAT THE FUCKING CAKE ALREADY. Your body literally thanks you with the good chemicals, and no one fucking cares about your pot belly apart from some stupid fashion people, who, as above, can go fuck themselves.

5. Mom Knows Best. Never doubt mother. Especially tough as nails, passionately loving, fiercely loyal, potentially crazy, wise Greek mother. You might have your beef with mommy dearest but from my experience, a mother is generally a woman who can take one glance at a man and tell you if he will break your heart–it’s a mystic sort of intuition you should always trust.

6. ‘Die Hard’ Is The Best Action Film Of All Time. And they’ll never even come close to making another one like it, so they should just stop trying.

7. Like What You Like. There is no such thing as un-cool. OK, there is, but if you do like un-cool stuff just embrace it. Viva Katy Perry!

8. Smoking Is Stupid. But feels so so good. Still — don’t smoke.

9. Tampons Are The Worst. Never let anyone pad shame you. Sneezing or pooping with a tampon in is an awful experience, and if you want to wear what in any other circumstance would be an adult diaper, I say, wear it.

10. Being A Woman Isn’t As Easy As They’d Have You Believe. There are still so many tiny ways that “being a woman” is used to make you feel inferior, scared, or bad about yourself on a daily basis. Yes, we do have freedoms now that we never had before, but we still need to fight hard because there’s a long way to go.

11. No One’s Coming To Your Pity Party. I checked the FB invite and everyone declined. Looks like you’re feeling sorry for yourself on your own.

12. Everyone Hates Whiners. If all you do is complain, people aren’t going to want to spend time with you. Eventually, you’ll also not want to spend time with you, and that’s an issue, because you’ve got nowhere else you can go.

13. Some People Are Just Plain Horrible. There are only so many excuses you can make for a person before you just have to suck it up and accept that they are just a bad person.

14. Just Enjoy Sex. Throw your rules about numbers and third dates away. Fuck as you please (but always with consent and protection).

15. If You Want Something Done Right Do It Yourself. No one else will do the thing you wanted done in the exact way you wanted it done. So if you want something done in an exact way, don’t be lazy–make the time to do it yourself. Don’t make someone else do it and then complain that they did it wrong, because they will, and you should have known better.

16. Being Alone Is The Best. Solitude is underrated.

17. You Can’t “Fix” People. Everyone is capable of being fixed, but only if they want to be fixed. You can’t force anyone to change or be better or different. People do what they do–just decide if that’s good enough for you or not. It’s OK if it’s not.

18. Banana, Stuffed With Marshmallow and Chocolate, Wrapped In Foil, Over An Open Fire. Do it.

19. Be Yourself And You Can Be Anything. OK that’s a Katy Perry line but it’s the truth. Fake is stanky, and stanky smells from a mile off.

20. Do What Makes You Happy. As long as it’s not a felony, basically.

21. Award Shows Are Stupid. Except the Grammys. I really want a Grammy.

22. You Can Choose Your Family. You don’t have to love someone just because you’re blood related. And you can love someone who isn’t blood related just as much as if they were.

23. There Is No Shame In Your Feelings. When I was younger, I found that in a lot of relationships guys would tell me my feelings were wrong. No. Never. This is not true. No feelings are wrong. Sometimes they might be expressed irrationally or dramatically, but if you feel it, it is correct, and it is correct to verbalize it. No one should ever tell you there is something shameful about the way you feel.

24. Everybody Hurts. Everyone is going through something. Be patient.

25. Smile! When the checkout girl at Walgreens is all surly, smile! You might melt her, in which case you’ve done a good thing for her, or you might not; if she stays surly, a smile will give you the ability to prance away happily, rather than being drawn into her weird mood. In other words, if you smile enough, that smile will come true for you and even for others.

26. Bodies Are Beautiful, No Matter What They Look Like. Fuck the media, fuck photoshop, fuck fashion. If you treat your body well, move it, put good things in it,care for it–it doesn’t matter what it looks like. You only have one body, there’s no use in hating on it because (in case you didn’t get the memo) you’re literally stuck in it.

27. But The Truest Beauty Is In Your Soul. It’s really not that hard to be a good person. It mostly just means being considerate of other folks and not being a jerk. Being a jerk actually takes more effort to do than being a good person, because you have to actively do jerk-like things, whereas being good is as simple as a smile (see above).

28. Everything Is Really Weird And Absurd. Next time you’re at a bar, or in a shop, or on the street, look around you. Isn’ everything happening here just very, very bizarre?

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image – Eleazar