29 Outrageous Jerri Blank Quotes That Will Make You Laugh And Cringe

If you’ve seen Strangers with Candy, the cult classic that debuted on Comedy Central in 1999, you know that Jerri Blank might be the most wonderfully disgusting character in TV history, a omnisexual drug-addicted racist whose penchant for putting her foot in her mouth is only surpassed by her ability to say the grossest thing imaginable. She sounds awful, but with Amy Sedaris behind her, Jerri Blank is one of a kind. Never change, Jerri. Never change.

These are 29 of Ms. Jerri Blank’s most memorable one-liners and quotes, which range from kind of disgusting to almost unreadable. They’re kind of perfect.

1. “Dear Diary, I’m sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you. Everything’s changed; I’m in love… something you would never understand you dirty, dirty, dirty Jew diary. Just kidding, just kidding. Jerri Blank.”

2. “I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed really hard.”

3. [reaching into a coffin] “Oh, the skin, it’s so cold and scaly. The veins are like earthworms battling for attention. The claws are… Oh, that’s my hand. It’s just a little dry.”

4. “The ways of love are a mystery to me. The feeling of man’s pelvis pounding against your haunches as you lie bent over a beer-soaked pool table grasping for leverage. And the endless jackhammer action turns you into a quivering mound of oozing pleasure.

5. “Don’t worry, Alan, I can’t get pregnant. My ovaries are diseased.”

6. “You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters is being rich in money.”

7. “You know, high school is a lot like the slammer. The food sucks, they tell you where to go and how to do it. And if someone tries to make you their bitch, you just stick them with a shiv in the showers.”

8. “I’m dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction: With lies and delusion.”

9. “Greeks are just Jews without the money.”

10. “Maybe it’s time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can’t, and start doing the thing that you can’t do, but can no longer pretend that you can.”

11. “Maybe sexual harassment is wrong.” (snaps a towel at a naked man in the locker room) “Gotcha right in the cranberries!”

12. “I’ve changed. People change. I’m not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I’m not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans — such as yourself. And I’m not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmanns’ holly bushes…last night.”

13. “I did things I wouldn’t force on a mule — and that includes things I forced on a mule.”

14. “I guess what I learned is that being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to as long as it doesn’t interfere with you having sex.”

15. “Are you as real as the Demon with 100 Eyes?”

16. “How many of you wanna wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you hope is your own filth?”

17. “Look, I rode that brown tiger for twenty years. It took me through a carnival of hell. I became the plaything of Indonesian businessmen. By the end, I was barely human. But I’m willing to give it another shot.”

18. “Just trying to keep the boulder in front of my love cave.”

19. [Talking to a tree] “You know, you and me have got a lot in common, we both have thick leathery bark, we both have initials carved into our trunks, and we’re both setting down new roots.

20. “If you’re gonna reach for a star, reach for the lowest one you can.”

21. “I like the pole and the hole, and right now I’m as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don’t you come over to my crib after school, and I’ll make your pinky all stinky.”

22. “But I’ve had plenty of babies! Just none I’ve carried to full term.”

23. “Stoney and I would go over to Buckle’s and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I’d wake up with blood on my ass, and then we’d get high. Those were some good times.”

24. “It makes me as damp as a cellar down there. All mildewy. Enter if you dare.”

25. “You never really lose your parents, unless of course they die. And then they’re gone forever.”

26. Dr. Zorders: “Jerri, I have some bad news. You have syphilis.”
Jerri: “No!”
Dr. Zorders: “Not only that, it appears your syphilis is infested with crabs that are carrying gonorrhea. Don’t you use condoms?”
Jerri: “Look, doc, I go all natural. That’s why my prices are so high.”
Dr. Zorders: “That’s pretty irresponsible. But, thanks to Penicillin, there’s no need to act responsible. Penicillin is nature’s condom!”

26. “Befriending new people can lead to having sex with your children, accidentally.”

27. “It’s like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh wait, that was me. The point is, you’re a racist.”

28. “If someone tells you that you’re beautiful and that they love you, chances are they’re just trying to brainwash you into being happy. Don’t let them.”

29. “Pee on me.”