30 NBA Teams, And What They’d Be Like As High School Kids

ATLANTIC:

Toronto Raptors: The overwhelmingly cool new girl. Every guy in the school has a major, major crush on her.

Boston Celtics: Has seen better days. Best known for having a pretty good fake ID. Always wears a ratty sweatshirt.

Brooklyn Nets: Guy who’s weirdly obsessed with sneakers.

New York Knicks: Rich kid who you initially hate, but then start to feel bad for. His terrible dad has constantly undermined him, and probably always will.

Philadelphia 76ers: Hasn’t handed in his homework in about three years. Somehow hasn’t gotten held back.

CENTRAL:

Chicago Bulls: Smart, hardworking girl with a number of setbacks in her personal life. She was more than qualified for the colleges she applied to, but somehow got rejected from all of them. A tough-nosed gal who can’t catch a break.

Cleveland Cavaliers: The undeniable stud, who, since hitting puberty in 6th grade, has been able to date whoever he wants. As an upperclassmen, the most desirable man on the market is finally beginning to show signs of wanting to settle down.

Milwaukee Bucks: A constant floater. He’s friendly with everyone, but doesn’t necessarily “fit” anywhere within the high school hierarchy.

Detroit Pistons: 10th grade girl on Varsity soccer. Next year, it’s gonna be her team and her school.

Indiana Pacers: Had a brief moment in the sun, dating someone way out of his league. As everyone suspected, the sudden surge of popularity was too good to be true.

SOUTHEAST:

Atlanta Hawks: Was exceedingly average for years. Then he threw the biggest, baddest party in town history. Now, he’s the undisputed Homecoming King.

Washington Wizards: Exceedingly likeable guy. Gets decent grades, works hard, will probably become a wildly successful entrepreneur and totally deserve it.

Miami Heat: A four year varsity quarterback. Initially, he was a lock for USC. Now, he’s a weathered journeyman who’s probably gonna go Division 1 AA.

Charlotte Hornets: Girl who doesn’t play by the rules. A lot of talent, a lot of fire. Got kicked off the cheerleading team.

Orlando Magic: Cuts class all the time. Teachers rarely ever notice.

NORTHWEST:

Portland Trail-Blazers: Upstart beat poet with something to prove.

OKC Thunder: Has been sitting at the popular kids lunch table for years. He doesn’t talk to people, people talk to him.

Utah Jazz: Theatre girl. A lot of heart, but not for everyone.

Denver Nuggets: B student, really good at english, decent at sports. All around nice guy, but nothing that really stands out.

Minnesota Timberwolves: That kid on the baseball team who can throw a 90 mph fastball, but is for some reason a terrible pitcher.

SOUTHWEST:

Memphis Grizzlies: Somewhat troubled, but brilliant kid. A guidance counselor has put all her faith in Ms. Memphis, but nobody knows how it’s gonna turn out.

Houston Rockets: Smart kid who thinks too highly of himself, doesn’t shut up in class.

Dallas Mavericks: Has orchestrated an expertly run, school-wide cheating ring. The teachers know it exists, but can’t ever seem to pin the Maverick down.

San Antonio Spurs: Class President since fifth grade. Untouchable. Deciding between Harvard and Harvard.

New Orleans Pelicans: First chair trumpet, with a seemingly endless upside. Goes to parties and passes out.

PACIFIC:

Golden State Warriors: Handsome dude who was working at the Abercrombie in the mall for the past few years. The right person walked by, and now he’s about to be a major movie star.

LA Clippers: Was constantly overshadowed by her older sister. Finally broke out of her shell, and is very much awesome. (Where was she all these years?)

Phoenix Suns: You once went over his house in elementary school. Haven’t said a word to each other since sixth grade.

Sacramento Kings: Has a track record of suspension and discipline issues, but not so much a bad guy as one who’s misunderstood. (There are some weird things going on at home.)

LA Lakers: Super senior, who everyone for some reason still respects.