30 Reasons Why You’re Better Off Single

1. They just opened up a Cici’s Buffet within walking distance of your apartment.

2. They might be taking Doctor Who off Netflix this month and you still have to get through all of Matt Smith.

3. There’s a coupon in your dresser for botox and it’s probably time to use it.

4. You got Amy Poehler’s Yes Please for Christmas from a good friend and you’re probably going to read it in one sitting.

5. You found out that your favorite radio station is giving away Miley Cyrus tickets and you’ve got to sit in your car for hours on end listening in because you never made an emergency kit with a radio like you promised your dad you would after the last natural disaster.

6. You’ve been growing out your 2014 undercut and it’s finally at that awkward stage where it’s noticeable under your hair despite your attempt at the middle-aged man’s comb over.

7. You’ve got a yeast infection.

8. You’ve got a yeast infection, but you still have a 12-pack of Sweet Water to finish from last weekend’s football party.

9. You’re almost out of deodorant, but can’t decide if you should switch to a different scent and want to make the one you’ve got last a little bit longer.

10. The person you want to date is a comedian and when you go to their stand-up all they do is make fart jokes and talk about t-bagging.

11. You found out your boss has only hired you for your looks and your coworkers are starting to notice how completely inept you are at your job.

12. Your mother has been secretly deleting messages from your suitors for years.

13. Your mother messages you to ask about pictures your tagged in on Facebook.

14. Your mother still makes your doctors appointments.

15. A hacker in North Korea has seen your personal internet history and is already in love with you and is prepared to start a cyber war with the guy Facebook says you’re “in a relationship with.”

16. The last person you dated went on a social media rampage about why The Interview is the most American movie ever made.

17. You still haven’t seen The Interview, but continue to lie about having seen it.

18. You’re still not quite sure if Al Gore invented the internet or not.

19. You haven’t found a news show to replace the Colbert Report in your daily life.

20. You’ve got more empty wine bottles in your living room than you do books.

21. You’ve been trying to make that last garbage bag last for a week.

22. You’re still not over the cancellation of Firefly.

23. You, too, are concerned that Bill Cosby has been inappropriate to you and still need to contact a lawyer.

24. You live in Florida and heard George Zimmerman got arrested again so you’ve changed your hometown on Facebook to Pensacola, because that’s pretty much Alabama, right?

25. You have decided who you’re voting for in next year’s Presidential election and you’re worried committing to a candidate now might lead to great embarrassment with a significant other later.

26. You were baptized Catholic, but even the Pope isn’t Catholic anymore.

27. You’ll be too emotionally invested in the farewell season of Parks and Rec to care about anyone else.

28. You still haven’t taken down your Christmas decorations and can’t let anybody in your place to see your true level of laziness.

29. You’ve forgotten how to dress yourself in anything that isn’t sweatshirts or Uggs.

30. You heard that “vape” was the word of 2014, but have no idea what it means and keep using it incorrectly. “Yea, last night I vaped this hot dog so hard. It was delicious and stuff.”