30 Thoughts You Have In Your 30s That Never Came Up In Your 20s

1. “Does this social engagement require me to leave my couch or put on something other than yoga pants or sweats?”

2. “When will my hair stop falling out? I know this was supposed to happen to guys but why didn’t anybody tell me it happens after having a baby, too?”

3. “Ok, phew, my hair stopped falling out. At what point should I admit that the silver strands coming through my scalp do not mean that I’m suddenly becoming a blonde?”

4. “His birthday party starts at 10 PM? It’s 30 minutes away? That’s basically like trekking to Guam in the middle of the night. Let’s skip it.”

5. “Ugggh, I got my period again. Should we make an appointment at a fertility clinic?”

6. “We need a will. Life insurance. College savings plans for the kids. Retirement funds. How on earth do people afford all of these things? It’s not like I’m vacationing on yachts with my diamond-encrusted luggage and driving fancy cars around. I just want to be able to afford air conditioning, my home, and my monthly cell phone bill. When can we go back to being irresponsible teens?”

7. “What’s that new mole? Do you feel this bump? Is my never-ending headache something to worry about? I need to make an appointment with a ______ gastroenterologist, dermatologist, OB/GYN, allergist, ENT, nutritionist, dentist, physical therapist, and/or relationship therapist and that’s just this week.”

8. “Paying a babysitter will cost us $60 for a night out. Let’s just do date night at Chipotle.”

9. “This is the year I will quit my job and find something that I really want to do. Yes, I’ve been saying this since my 20s, but now I really mean it.”

10. “Should we make plans to go out this month?”

11. “I need to lose 10 pounds. Unlike my 20s, it can’t happen within a week just by exercising and cutting out carbs and sugar. Things jiggle a lot more freely than they used to.”

12. “Children’s birthday parties are far more preferable to the hundreds of bridal showers, bachelorette / bachelor parties, and weddings we attended in our 20s. You can wear jeans to children’s birthday parties, they are over in two hours, a gift of a book and stuffed animal is deemed generous, and you get pizza, cake, and chill entertainment at each of them.”

13. “A busy social week consists of ‘liking’ multiple status updates on Facebook, commenting on friends’ Instagram accounts, and FaceTiming with several relatives.”

14. “A hardcore social night consists of watching 3 pre-recorded TV shows back-to-back with a spouse, partner or significant other and not nodding off.”

15. “Where on earth did this chin hair come from? Do I pluck? Shave? Wax? Cry?”

16. “Should I be insulted that I keep getting Groupon emails for Botox and liposuction treatments or take this as a helpful suggestion from an anonymous friend?”

17. “Will we ever sleep again? More than just a 7-minute cat nap that’s really like an accident because my eyes were resting while I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner?”

18. Why did I ever get regular bikini waxes? Did I really have time and pain tolerance for that?

19. “Let’s plan a vacation. We can send the kids to their grandparents for the weekend and stay in bed all day watching movies.”

20. “Don’t judge me for still watching ABC’s The Bachelor. It’s the cheapest and most entertaining 2-hour escape I can get without boarding a plane.”

21. “If the models in the photos hanging up at H&M and Forever 21 are 18ish, does that mean I have to stop shopping there before I hit 40?”

22. “Why don’t I know a single Top 40 song?”

23. “Will I ever have a conversation with any of my other 30-something friends that doesn’t get cut off by little human creatures needing attention?”

24. “Why does it take hours and hours to pack and plan the logistics of a weekend trip once children enter the picture?”

25. “I used to hit the gym multiple times a week. Now I’m out of breath after doing the laundry.”

26. “I’m so glad that my quarter life crisis phase is over. Although if it happened to me now, it would mean that I’d live to like,m 140-something.”

27. “A low-key night used to mean going to the movies after dinner with friends. Now a low-key night consists of ordering in pizza, taking a shower, and spending critical time plucking my eyebrows.”

28. “Is it wrong to dress like a teen to buy cigarettes just to see if I’ll get carded?”

29. “If I feel old and pathetic now, what the heck will my 40s be like?”

30. “Why was I so worried about every little thing in my 20s? At least I’ve learned to get rid of negative forces since entering my late 30s.”